"They don't think of emotional attraction or social interaction or spiritual connectedness or deep-rooted psychological feelings."

The following is an article summarizing a study which was published last week in PEDIATRICS, the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatric Medicine. It was forwarded to me by Dr. Naomi Mark.

Study: Family behavior key to health of gay youth

By LISA LEFF

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Young gay people whose parents or guardians responded negatively when they revealed their sexual orientation were more likely to attempt suicide, experience severe depression and use drugs than those whose families accepted the news, according to a new study.

The way in which parents or guardians respond to a youth's sexual orientation profoundly influences the child's mental health as an adult, say researchers at San Francisco State University, whose findings appear in Monday's journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

"Parents love their children and want the best for them," said lead researcher Caitlin Ryan, a social worker who directs the university's Family Acceptance Project. "Now that we have measured all these behaviors, we can see that some of them put youth at extremely high risk and others are wellness-promoting."

Among other findings, the study showed that teens who experienced negative feedback were more than eight times as likely to have attempted suicide, nearly six times as vulnerable to severe depression and more than three times at risk of drug use.

More significantly, Ryan said, ongoing work at San Francisco State suggests that parents who take even baby steps to respond with equanimity instead of rejection can dramatically improve a gay youth's mental health outlook.

One of the most startling findings was that being forbidden to associate with gay peers was as damaging as being physically beaten or verbally abused by their parents in terms of negative feedback, Ryan said.

In the two-part study, Ryan and her colleagues first interviewed 53 families with gay teenagers to identify 106 specific behaviors that could be considered "accepting" or "rejecting." For example, blaming a youth for being bullied at school, shielding him from other relatives or belittling her appearance for not conforming to social expectations fell into the rejecting category.

Next, they surveyed 224 white and Latino gay people between ages 21 and 25 to see which of the behaviors they had experienced growing up. The responses then were matched against the participants' recent histories of severe depression, suicide attempts, substance abuse and unsafe sexual behavior.

While the results might seem intuitive, Ryan said the study, funded by the California Endowment, was the first to establish a link between health problems in gay youths and their home environments.

She has used the information in workshops with parents and other caregivers who have strained relationships with their gay teenagers, and said many were alarmed enough to make immediate changes in their interactions.

Ryan recalled a teenage girl whose mother forced her to date a boy and sent her to live with her grandmother when she learned her daughter was a lesbian. After hearing about the connection between parental attitudes and suicide, the mother stopped arranging the dates with the boy and instead inquired about her daughter's girlfriend.

"She was really concerned," Ryan said. "She saw that her daughter had become increasingly withdrawn and that she was contributing to these feelings of isolation and sadness."

In her paper for the journal Pediatrics, Ryan recommends that medical professionals ask young patients how their families have reacted to their sexual orientations and tell parents that negative reactions may prove harmful even if well-intentioned.

Such conversations are necessary because young people have been coming out at younger ages. Consistent with other studies, the youths in Ryan's study were on average under 11 years old when they first experienced a same-sex attraction, were just over 14 when they realized they were gay and came out to their families before they had turned 16.

Doctors, in a misguided attempt to comfort parents, may tell them a child who isn't sexually active couldn't know if he were gay or not, Ryan said.

"When providers and adults and family members think of gay people, they think of sex. They don't think of emotional attraction or social interaction or spiritual connectedness or deep-rooted psychological feelings," she said.

Sten Vermund, a Vanderbilt University pediatrician who became interested in Ryan's work this summer when she presented her research at the international AIDS conference in Mexico City, agrees that doctors should be encouraged to talk with parents about responding to a child's sexual orientation in a supportive way.

"So many families of children who are gay, bisexual or transgender, particularly families of gay male youth, think that if they are tough on the kid and tell him how unsatisfactory his gay lifestyle is to the family, he will have it knocked out of him," Vermund said.

Vermund said he also was impressed by Ryan's finding that a little bit of familial acceptance could go a long way in increasing a child's chances for future happiness.

"The Southern Baptist doesn't have to become a Unitarian," he said. "Someone can still be uncomfortable with their child's sexual orientation, but if they are somewhat more accepting and do the best the can, they will do the youth a lot of good. That to me is an important message."

Something for all us parents to consider.

Saul David

On the Net:

• The Family Acceptance Project,: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/

"At what age did you choose not to be gay?" - Jon Stewart

The following is a transcript of an interview with Governor Mike Huckabee from The Daily Show, which aired on December 9, 2009.

The Daily Show Transcript: Jon Stewart and Mike Huckabee Discuss Gay Marriage

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Tuesday, 9 December)

Jon Stewart: We're talking with Governor Mike Huckabee. His book is "Do The Right Thing".

We talked a little bit about fiscal conservatism in the first one - I want to talk to you about social conservatism, 'cause this is really about you wanting the Republican Party to get back to those basics and respectfully speaking, the one thing I guess I don't understand about social conservatives. I get pro life and I think that's probably their number one issue and it's very easy for me to understand it and it's very easy for me to understand that we all should work together to reduce the number, at the very least, with the goal of ending that.

The gay marriage issue and why conservatives are against it- you write that marriage is the bedrock of our society. Why would you not want more couples to buy into the stability of marriage - why would you want that precluded for an entire group of people?

Governor Huckabee: Well, marriage still means one man one woman, life relationship. I think people have a right to live any way they want to. But even anatomically- let's face it, the only way that we can create the next generation is through a male female relationship. For 5000 years of recorded human history, that's what marriage has meant. 30 states have had it on the ballot and in all 30 states, it's passed- even in states like California, that nobody would suggest are social conservatives, leading the state of California.

Stewart: 30 states had Mike Huckabee on the ballot and they went with McCain- listen, you can't trust the voters! The voters don't know!

Huckabee: But the point being, in those states, Jon, an average of 68% of the voters across America have affirmed traditional marriage- it's not that they have tried to say they're gonna ban something, as much as they're gonna affirm what has always been.

Stewart: California did ban it, in essense they said you can't get married.

Huckabee: Actually, they have reaffirmed what they had done before.

Stewart: But people got married in the interim and- then they went back and said you're not- I guess my question is. You said, reaffirming the tradition of marriage over 5000 years, which takes it back to the Old Testament, where polygamy was the norm, not a heterosexual marriage between two couple that choose each other.

Marriage has evolved greatly over those 5000 years, from a property arrangement, polygamy... we've redefined it constantly. It used to be that people of different races could not marry.
It strikes me as very convenient, to go back to the Bible and say, "Hey, man... we gotta look at the way they define marriage..." Why don't we look at the way they did slavery, in the Bible?

Huckabee: But if we change the definition, then we really do have to change it to accomodate all lifestyles. We have to say to the guy in West Texas, who had 27 wives, that's okay. And I'm not sure that I hear alot of people arguing that that's a great idea.

Stewart: I don't know why polygamy has an issue here. It seems like a fundamental human right. You write in your book that all people are created equal, and yet, for gay people, you belive it is corrosive to society to allow them to have the privledges that all humans enjoy.

Huckabee: Well, there is a difference between the equality of each individual and the equality of what we do and the sameness of what we do. I mean, the fact is, marriage is under our law a privilege; it's not an absolute defined right.

Stewart: So what if we make it that Hispanics can't vote?

Huckabee: Well, I don't think that's a really good idea. I'm not sure that we should do that.

Stewart: So why can't gay people get married?

Huckabee: Well, because marriage still means a male and a female relationship. And until the laws are overturned, it still means that.

Stewart: I disagree. I think, you know... segregation used to be the law until the courts intervened.

Huckabee: There is a big difference between a person being black, and a person practicing a lifestyle and engaging in a marital relationship that-

Stewart: Okay. This is helpful. This gets to the crux of it- I think it's the difference of between what you believe gay people are and what I do. And I live in New York City, so I'm just gonna make a suppostition that I have more experience being around them.

And I'll tell you this. Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion- we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay.
At what age did you choose not to be gay?

Huckabee: But Jon, religious people don't have the right to burn others at the stake; they don't have the right to do anything they wish to do.

Stewart: You're not being asked to marry a guy. They're asking to marry the person they love.

Huckabee: But they're asking to redefine the word. And frankly, we're probably not going to come to terms. But if the American people are not convinced that we should overturn the definition of marriage, then I would say that those who support the idea of same sex marriage have got alot of work to do, to convince the rest of us, and as I said, 68% of the American population has made that decision.

Stewart: You talk about the pro life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think it's, I think it's that. It's an absolute- it's a travesty that people have forced, someone who is gay, to have to make their case- that they deserve the same basic rights.

Huckabee: Jon, excuse me, I respect you and I disagree with that- I really do- and one of the things that I want to make sure that people understand is that if a person does not necessarily support the idea of changing the definition of marriage, it does not mean that they are a homophobe. It does not mean that they are filled with hate and animosity.

Stewart: I was in no way suggesting.

Huckabee: No no, you were not saying that, but I think some people would like to throw the epithets at some people, whether they're like me, or someone else.

Stewart: But it does beg the question, I have to say, and again... is "WHY?"
You know, you keep talking about, jeez, it would be redefining a word... and it feels like semantics is cold comfort, when it comes to humanity and especially someone such as yourself, who is I believe an empathetic person who is someone who seeks to get to the heart of problems, this idea that, "Jeez, I dunno Jon, definitions and society..." I mean, marriage was not even a sacrament until the 1200s.

Huckabee: Words do matter. Definitions matter. And I think that we have to be very thoughtful and careful before we say that we are going to undo an entire social structure. I mean, let's face it, the basic purpose of a marriage is not just to create the next generation but to train our replacements. And it is in the context of 23 male and 23 female chromosomes coming together at the point of conception to create the next human life.

Stewart: I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and it's odd because the conservative mantra is "Ameritocracy", and I think what you are suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others and i would suggest that a gay, loving family with a financially stable background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

Huckabee: I'm not gonna defend Britney and Kevin, for sure.

Stewart: But I appreciate you having the conversation and I just, uh, it's just, it's just wild.

Huckabee: Well, Jon, I just want you to know I'm not going to marry you. Under any circumstances. I'm just not.

Stewart: (laughing) Fine, appreciate that. "Do The Right Thing", is on bookshelves now. Governor, thank you so much.

Huckabee: Thank you, Jon.


Have a good laugh.

SD

"I did not choose to be what I am....."

As I wrote in the previous posting, over this past year I have met some wonderful people. One person who has been corresponding with me recently told me that he wrote an article about himself. He has permitted me to publish some excerpts. This article was published in The Jewish Press Magazine on Friday, December 1, 2006 as a response to Rachel, who writes "Chronicles of Crises in Our Community."

As a man who has struggled with homosexuality and frumkeit for many years, I take exception to your consistent championing of change being possible and of asserting that there is no such thing as gay. I'd like to offer another perspective.

Let me start by saying that I believe fully in Torah M'Sinai and consider myself to be a fully committed Orthodox Jew whose tafkid in life is to do my best to keep ALL of the Taryag Mitzvot. I am fully versed in both Halachah and Hashkafah and have no issues whatsoever with the philosophical underpinnings of our belief system. I truly believe that the very word of the Chamisha Chumshai Torah was given directly from Hashem to Moshe, and that along with those words, Moshe received Torah SheBa'al Peh.

What I do not fathom is how the prohibition of a very specific behaviour translates into Hashem not making people whose sexual orientation is homosexual.

From a Hashkafik perspective: The mistzvot revolving around Arayot in the Torah address one thing and one thing only - behavior. There is no discussion of desire, of motivation, of what's normal desire and deviant desire. Even if one translates "To'avah" in the pasuk of Mishkav Zachar as "abomination" - which is by no means a definitive definition based on Chazal - it still refers to the action, not the desire.

Your writers say that Hashem wouldn't or couldn't give an orientation to a person and then prohibit him from acting on it. They say that a person's desire must be able to change if the Torah prohibits an action. In my opinion, this is putting a very Pollyanish spin on the very nature of nisayon in Olam Ha'Zeh. The fact is that many times Hashem puts people in adverse circumstances that will not change.

I would argue that in those circumstances the definition of success with the nisayon is first accepting the circumstances and then living as rich a life as possible within those circumstances. Would you, for example, tell a person with medically incurable deafness not to accept that diagnosis? That Hashem would not do that to him because there are so many mitzvot, such as shofar, that involve hearing? That his focus in life should center on searching for a cure? Could you imagine a crueler and less productive way to deal with this most challenging nisayon?

My own struggle with homosexuality has come at enormous cost for me. I ruined a marriage and a successful career. Though I have been to the best "SSA Therapists", one thing that did not change is my basic desire. Some may say I didn't try hard enough. Which believer in Torah M'Sinai would not want to "change"? Certainly one who lost as much as I did would have more than enough motivation.

But all the motivation in the world has not changed reality for me. When I think of the enormous pain men like me go through, I wish that the hope of change could be there. But I also know that at this point I'd rather face reality than embrace false hope.

I did not choose to be what I am.

Saul David

A Family Changed Forever - One Year Later

A year ago, during Sukkoth, our son announced to us that he is gay.

A few weeks later I began to express my feelings in this blog.

It has been an incredible journey.

We have learned so much. We have met so many people. And we have changed.

As parents, the world as we knew it shattered, as soon as our son came out to us. Our dreams came to an abrupt end. The world of our daughters irrevocably changed as they were forced to come to grips with their new reality.

Our faith in God has come into question and the trust that we thought we had in our friends has diminished.

But we were able to pick up the pieces and rebuild around our new reality.

We sought advice from our rabbi. This turned out to be a dead-end.

We joined a local chapter of PFLAG. We became friends with some nice people who have been through this journey in their lives. They have shown us how to celebrate the positive aspects of our new reality.

We reached out to whoever we felt could offer us assistance. Rabbi Steve Greenberg spent a few hours talking with me right after our son came out. He was a tremendous source of strength. Dr. Naomi Mark gave me the courage to continue writing in this blog. Dr. Linda Freedman willingly offered her services to me whenever I needed it, and there were times when I really needed it. Rabbi Michael Balinsky gave me his encouragement as a dear, old friend.

We chose to tell some of our friends in a cautious, deliberate manner, over the space of this past year. Those with whom we shared have been a source of strength for us.

Only some members of our family know.

And this blog has exposed us to a new world. The postings have elicited responses from gay men and women and their parents. We have become close with all who have chosen to have a dialogue with us. There are many emails that are written in private between us and we all have grown as we used this blog and its instruments as a forum to share our thoughts and our stories.

Our family has changed and grown. We have grown closer together and as individuals we have all grown stronger.

During this past Sukkoth, as we sat around the table, the discussion turned to this blog. My son turned to me and said that it is time to take a less lachrymose approach in the blog. I told him that I agree with him. I said that the mourning period has drawn to an end and that it is now time to move from sadness to advocacy.

He nodded and the discussion moved on to another topic.

The waters remain uncharted, but we can navigate knowing that it will all be good.

Be well.


Saul David

"When my time comes to stand before HaKadosh Barush Hu..."

A few months ago my son and I were trying to resolve a halakhic dilemma which he had encountered while he was in Europe. It was in reference to finding a way to carry his key on Shabbat in Prague. After a few minutes, he halted the discussion and said "in light of everything that is going on in my life, I am not sure if this is relevant any more."

My response was a simple "uh-huh".

What else was there to say?

After a few pensive moments, he continued the discussion. He said that he has a friend who says "that when his time comes to stand before HaKadosh Baruch Hu, he is going to ask Him why he was forced to be judged by such a different set of standards than everyone else."

What else was there to say?

Wishing you a year of good health.

Saul David

"You shall cast yourself down before the Presence of God and you shall rejoice in all the good that God has given you and your household."

It has been well over a month since I have written in my blog. Quite frankly I have been struggling with the theological aspects of what the Torah states and does not state in reference to homosexuality. I was planning to write a comparison between this week's parsha, Ki Tavo and Acharei Mot. The latter specifically mentions homosexuality along with other "so-called" forbidden sexual acts, while the former parsha mentions the other forbidden sexual acts, but homosexuality is conspicuously absent from this week's parsha.

But I am choosing not to continue along this line and instead to discuss another part of this week's parsha.

At the beginning of the parsha, we read about the mitzva of "bikkurim", the instruction to dedicate the first fruits of the harvest. The root of the declaration is the recognition that all belongs to God. Man may till the soil, plant the seed and harvest the crop, but the underlying assumption is that it is God who ultimately provides the sustenance.

Whatever the human action, the bikkurim offering is an acknowledgement that God's role is primary. The actual offering is subordinate to the intention of making the offering. The point of the offering is to make it clear that everything comes from God.

Rabbi Sholom Noach Berezovsky, the Slonimer rebbe, in Netivot Shalom, picks up on the intention implied with the bikkurim offering. “This is the soul and fundamental principle of the mitzvah of bikkurim—we attribute what is first to God. Through this we dedicate everything that concerns us to God”.

Some time ago I read an article that discussed the tension that exists between man and God. Every Friday night we recite kiddush over wine that God provides, but is produced by man. We continue to make hamotzei over the bread that God provides, but is baked by man.

There is a constant tension in Judaism between what successes man can claim for himself and what successes are the result of Divine Providence. We rarely attribute any of our successes to Divine Providence. This week's parsha reminds us that it is always in God's hands.

The tension exists, but through some of our rituals, we have managed to negotiate and reconcile the human/divine challenge.

In the course of the last ten months I have also witnessed how my son and his friends have learned to negotiate and reconcile their struggle and challenges with God.

I have come to learn over the past ten months that what is written (in Acharei Mot) or what is not written (in Ki Tavo) is less important than how we negotiate and reconcile the tension that exists as a result of Divine Providence.

The message of bikkurim is that we must acknowledge that everything, including us, has come from God. The challenge is what we do with God's creation. The treasure of Judaism is that all challenges can be reconciled once we make the acknowledgement.

Saul David

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." - Randy Pausch

At the risk of sounding overly inspirational with the quotations that I often use in the title....too bad.....it's my blog. I believe in these inspirational sound bites. I believe that we can always learn something from every situation which falls our way. I do not view the world through rose colored glasses. Far from it. My family and the few friends that I have claim that I am one of the most cynical people in the world.

My wife is in Israel studying at a women's seminary in Jerusalem for the summer. A few days ago she attended a shiur by a rav who shall remain nameless. At the end of the class, she introduced herself. She told the rabbi that during this past year, her daughter was a student of the rabbi's wife. She went on to tell him about the class which his wife taught in which she opened up a discussion about homosexuality. This was done without any guidance or structure, but as a free discussion. Coming from their sheltered Orthodox Jewish backgrounds, these eighteen year olds proceeded to bash homosexuals.

This class was held in the first two weeks after the girls arrived in Israel. It had also just been two weeks since our daughter found out that her older brother is gay. My daughter was terribly distraught over this turn of events and she had promised her brother that she would not yet share what she knew about him with anyone. She had no one to talk to and no one to turn to.

After hearing the story, the rabbi responded that it is a shame about these gay guys. He continued to tell her that most of them go off the derekh because they are gay. She responded by saying that homosexuals have no choice in what they are, just as the rabbi could not become gay if he so chose.

What she wanted to say to him was that they leave the religion because of people like you and your wife.

I would have used a few more expletives.

To explain the quote in the title. Randy Pausch was born in 1960 and he died on July 25, 2008 from pancreatic cancer. He taught virtual reality (VR) at Carnegie Mellon University and he gave his last lecture in September 2007. I first heard about him a few months ago. I was moved by his positive outlook in spite of the fact that he was given less than a year to live.

His final lecture was titled "The Last Lecture". He opened the lecture by stating that his father taught him that when there is an elephant in the room you should confront it.

Nice segue "nopeanuts". Right? I've been thinking about what you wrote about my son's peers and our peers who are afraid to approach us. I don't think they are waiting to take their cues from us. That is overly optimistic. They just don't know what to do with themselves. Homosexuality, especially in the Orthodox Jewish world, is taboo, just like depression and cancer was, a few generations ago. Wife abuse does not happen in the Orthodox Jewish community either.

Randy Pausch said that the elephant should be confronted. We have been telling our friends on a one by one basis. It is an emotionally trying experience each time, for us as well as for the listener. For those people who don't know what to do with themselves when they are around us, I have no answer. That blanket email outing our son provided the information, provided the truth. But as Jack Nicholson shouted in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"

I watched Randy Pausch's last lecture on YouTube the other day. I will take my cues from how he lived his life and the legacy he has tried to pass on to his children. He used a few more phrases in the lecture which I would like to use now and at a later date.

He said that 'brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." The Orthodox Jewish LGBT community is being shut out by a high security brick wall. One day that wall will be breached.

Randy Pausch also recommended "Not to bail. The best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap."

Don't allow people, such as the rav and his wife, to say whether you have or do not have a place in the community. It is not their place to say so. Maybe the brick wall is there for a reason. It gives you the opportunity to show your dedication to what you believe in.

Saul David

PS. Google "The Last Lecture".