Wednesday, December 15, 2010

"I am the mother of an orthodox gay young man."


I recently received the following letter from a mom.  Please read her story.  It's all too familiar.
But she has a great idea.  Let me know your thoughts.
Be well.

SD

Although in the beginning I felt I lived in an alternative universe, I have learned that my story is not unique.  So I send you my story in the form of a letter as a way to connect to other mothers and fathers who are just beginning to navigate the uncharted land we religious parents of gay children inhabit.

I am the mother of an orthodox gay young man who came out to us a few years ago after many years of dealing on his own with the reality of his life. Needless to say, during the years when he was grappling with how he would lead his life while trying to keep it from us, even to protect us, our relationship with him was strained. There was a gulf between us, and while we didn’t suspect the reason for it, it disturbed us greatly. He never wanted to talk about dating, marriage or, in fact, anything that would give us any real information about his life. To every probing question we posed we got a vague response. We suspected that he was no longer religious, but we certainly never suspected he was gay.
 
Of course he sensed the strain in our relationship. He knew we were concerned about him. But while he wanted to tell us the truth, he worried about what would happen to our family. Could we and would we accept who he really was and embrace him fully?
 
Finally when the yom tov visits home became intolerable, he had to tell us. 
So, on a beautiful, cloudless day that seemed to promise only happy things, he faced me and told me the real reason he had distanced himself from us. It was not a question of observance, but that he was gay. I remember looking at him in shock, not quite sure what I had heard. I was devastated. In that one moment, standing in the sunshine, my world shifted. Any expectation I had ever had for him as a husband and father was shattered. Any notion of who is gay or what kind of family that person would come from was obliterated from my mind. I was shaken and afraid, frightened for my son and what the world held for him, of course, but also frightened because I knew our lives would never be the same. I remember thinking, “How did this happen? How will I ever breathe again?”  I certainly didn’t think I would ever stop crying. Sleep evaded me for weeks. No one I knew could relate to this. There was no template for behavior or response in my community for such a revelation.  Yet, I loved him, and I knew that whatever the cost to our communal life, or the disconnect we might feel religiously, he was our son, and we would find a way to live with this.
 
Uncomfortable as we were, we were suddenly talking about all kinds of things. That wall of secrecy was down, and there was a mature adult talking openly about his life. Within a short time, my son told his siblings and they began the work of processing this new information and accepting him. But as good as their acceptance was in forging a more meaningful relationship with him and as happy as we were with the new communication that had opened up among us all, these things didn’t bring relief from the anxiety we faced each day when we would waken yet again to our new reality. And although my son insisted that there are many religious gay people in his world and although he remained observant, the Orthodox world we inhabit was not ready to deal with this openly. We knew no one in the same situation.  There was no one we could share this with. And there was grief, a grief we would have to muddle through on our own without the comfort of community.  We mourned the expectations and hopes we had to give up; we mourned the loss of our son’s expectations and the years he spent keeping this all to himself, and we dreaded the veil of secrecy that now surrounded our lives.
 
During the first weeks after my son came out, we read a great deal about homosexuality and Jewish attitudes towards it. It was not encouraging. We spoke to our rabbi who listened with sympathy and without judgment, but offered little help. We had long conversations with our kids, but there was no one else we could confide in. Often, I would start crying while in the middle of some task. I tortured myself with questions, possibilities. What would I do if someone found out? Now that I knew, how should I respond if someone asked me about him? What happens if he gets involved in a long term relationship? How can I live with this?
 
Yet from the very beginning, a great help in our struggle was the information my son gave us just a few days after he came out.  He told us to look at a blog written by an orthodox parent of a gay son. We read the Kirtzono blog from beginning to end that same night, and a new world opened to us. Sad and bereft as we were, we saw we were not completely alone. There was at least one other family facing the challenges that now shaped our lives. Through the blog we connected with Saul David and after several emails, he put us in touch with another family who had recently learned their son was gay.  This direct contact allowed us to start a meaningful conversation with each other. Their son had come out to them several months before so they were that much farther ahead in the coping process and could assure me that all the things I felt were normal and that despite the deep sorrow we felt, a day really would come when I would think about other things and be able to talk to my son about ordinary topics, when I wouldn’t cry in the supermarket line or feel desolate as I stood in shul on Shabbat, isolated and mute among my friends.
 
The knowledge that there are other people with the same issues has made an enormous difference in our lives. Years later we are still writing to one another. We cannot solve each other’s problems, yet we appreciate the emotional roller coaster of each other’s lives. She understands how my love for my son and my pride in the man he has become trumps all my previous notions. She knows the struggles he has faced and understands the courage he shows each day. Most importantly, I know she will get it when I say there are times when the sorrow comes flooding back again after months of coping if someone casually asks if he’s dating anyone or can they fix him up with this really great girl.

Thus, I make a modest proposal that this blog serve as a way for parents to make contact with one another, to establish a buddy system so that no parent feels s/he is alone following the disclosure that a child is gay. Perhaps we can develop a pairing of parents, so to speak, who are willing to communicate with one another.  The questions, the problems, the comforts of a shared experience are ours to offer to one another in a context of sensitivity, religious commitment, empathy and concern for our children.  We need to be supportive of our children, but we too need support and comfort. This can be done with a therapist of course, and that is a good option for many parents and family members.  But less intense help can also come from another parent who has been in our shoes. Perhaps there are parents who are willing to write or speak to someone just beginning the road to acceptance and understanding.  And perhaps parents who feel they would benefit from this kind of anonymous and discreet contact can write into the blog and find that other family who is willing to show them support and help them deal with the challenge of living with the knowledge that they have a gay child.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

“If the father drops the kid and the kid gets brain damage, at least he’ll be straight. Small price to pay.” - Dr. Joseph Nicolosi

NARTH, an acronym for National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, was founded in 1992, in response to the delisting of homosexuality as a mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973.  One of its founders and the current preisdent is Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a graduate of the California School of Psychology in dowtown Los Angeles.  The express goal of the organization is to prevent children from becoming gay or to return gays to heterosexuality through reparative therapy.

There are several reasons for this particular exposure.  Firstly, the "Statement" spends an inordinate amount of words discussing "reparative therapy".  Secondly, Rabbi Freundel discussed "reparative therapy" at the panel.  Third, the person who spoke up at the panel was Dr. Joseph Berger, a psychiatrist and board member of NARTH.

In light of the tragic suicides over the last few months by young gay men and women who were bullied I would like to submit two written pieces to ponder.  The first is an article published by OU in response to bullying.  The second is a comment made by Berger on the NARTH website in 2006 and which was later removed.


Op-Ed: There’s no place for bullying in God’s world

Rabbi Steven Burg

This article first appeared October 17 in JTA


I was saddened to hear of the death of Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old college student driven to suicide by bullying over his sexual orientation. While Clementi’s case has grabbed national headlines, it sadly is far from unique.


Last September alone, no fewer than six boys in the United States committed suicide as a response to bullying they suffered over their sexual identities. Several of the victims were as young as 13 years old.


Bullying is nothing new, but modern technology has caused it to explode in new and dangerous ways. In Clementi’s case, intimate moments were webcast. Other teens are humiliated routinely via social networks. It takes no effort whatsoever to send a tweet, post a video or write on a virtual wall.


In the old days, bullies could usually only harass their intended victims live and in person. Nowadays a teen can be abused and publicly denigrated remotely and often anonymously.


Such cases are not limited to boys; nor are they limited to situations pertaining to the victims’ sexuality. Three girls are awaiting trial in Massachusetts for their role in harassing a classmate to the point of suicide. Even when situations do not reach the point of suicide as a perceived means of escape, bullying lowers self-esteem and leads to depression and anxiety.


It is unacceptable to harass or bully anyone for any reason. It makes no difference what a person’s race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or country of origin happens to be. A person’s income or social status is immaterial. We are all created in the image of God, and the Torah demands that we extend common courtesy to one another.


Our responsibility goes even further in the case of the downtrodden and oppressed, insisting that we guard ourselves very carefully so as not to add to their troubles through our words and actions. (Causing pain to a widow, an orphan or a convert are particularly heinous acts under Torah law.)


Rabbi Akiva famously said in Leviticus 19:18 that the primary principle of the Torah is “love your neighbor as yourself.” However, the Sifra (a book of the Midrash) immediately follows that statement with what it considers to be an even more important principle: The sage Ben Azzai cites in Genesis 5:1, “This is the book of the generations of Adam.” The verse means that we all are descended from the same ancestors, Adam and Eve.


As important as the verse cited by Rabbi Akiva is, it’s too easy for us to justify hating others because they are not our “neighbor"; that is, they are not like us. Ben Azzai’s verse reminds us that black or white, rich or poor, straight or gay, Jewish, Christian or Muslim, we ultimately are one family -- the family of mankind.


Hate and fear of that which is different is not something with which we are born; it is something acquired. (song “You’ve Got to Be Taught,” the beautiful Rodgers and Hammerstein in "South Pacific," sends out that message.) Accordingly, I implore all parents, teachers and other role models to actively encourage an environment of tolerance.


This doesn’t mean that we have to agree with every decision that others may make in life. We may disagree with others’ theologies or lifestyles. But disagreement is not a license to abuse others. A child, a teen or an adult who harasses another person, verbally or physically, is automatically in the wrong.


At NCSY, we have adopted strict policies against acts of malice and aggression. All of our regions across North America are being instructed to have sessions on bullying. The Midwest Region, based in Chicago, already has announced a bullying program at its Fall Regional in Kansas City next weekend.


Unwelcome attention and a hostile environment are unacceptable regardless of the source. We all have the right to live free of intimidation. If we have legitimate differences of opinion with another person regarding religion, politics or other areas in which debate may be valid, that calls for thoughtful discussion and mutual respect.


I call upon parents, educators, clergy and all others who work with youth to join us in a zero-tolerance policy for bullying in all its forms, including cyberbullying. Not only will this save young lives from being needlessly thrown away, it will ensure a safer and healthier environment for all our children.


(Rabbi Steven Burg is the international director of NCSY, the national Jewish youth program of the Orthodox Union.)
 
Here is the link for this article.....
 
 http://www.ou.org/shabbat_shalom/article/75871
 
 
And this is what Dr. Joseph Berger has to say about bullying......

"I suggest, indeed, letting children who wish go to school in clothes of the opposite sex -- but not counseling other children to not tease them or hurt their feelings.

On the contrary, don't interfere, and let the other children ridicule the child who has lost that clear boundary between play-acting at home and the reality needs of the outside world. Maybe, in this way, the child will re-establish that necessary boundary."
Enough said.

Be well.

Saul David

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"A desire for lobster dinner is not a violation of kashrus laws, only the dinner is. The same is true with homosexuality."


The other day, after Rabbis Helfgot and Freundel spoke, my wife and I sat with Rabbi Freundel over lunch. In a friendly manner, we continued our discussion. At one point, Rabbi Freundel stated that he would like to see a study done about the failure of reparative therapy.


Not a study done about the success of reparative therapy, but the failure of reparative therapy. He said that everyone is claiming that reparative therapy doesn't work, but he would like to see a scientific study conducted to prove it doesn't work. He then went on to say that if in fact reparative therapy was unsuccessful, maybe it was not the fault of the therapy, but due to some other factor weighing on the subject's psyche.


I answered by saying that I don't need scientific proof. My proof is in the large amount of young men who have told me that they have gone through reparative therapy, only to fail at it, sometimes leading them to the point of suicide.


I quietly vowed to myself that I would find the information that Rabbi Fruendel was searching for. I will post my findings over the next few days.




Here is the first one...................

But stay tuned......

There's more on the way.

SD

ABC News



The Toughest Call: Conversion Therapy


Jennifer Lee Had a Tough Choice to Make When She Found Out Her Husband Is Gay


By ALISON LYNN and MAGGIE BURBANK


Sept. 22, 2007 —

Jennifer Lee thought she'd found the man of her dreams when she met Steve Lee. He was handsome, sensitive and most of all funny.

They quickly fell in love and after Jennifer converted to Mormonism, they married. After a few years, they welcomed a son. Despite their seemingly happy, secure relationship, Steve was hiding a secret, one he'd had since he was 19 years old.

Jennifer was devastated when her husband told her he is gay.

She was suddenly faced with the toughest call she could imagine: should she stay with her husband who has just come out to her or should she leave him? Although the news shocked and upset her, Jennifer decided something could be done.


"I started to convince myself it didn't have to be," Jennifer said, "and I started to convince him it didn't have to be and he agreed."


Steve, a devout Mormon, feared God would not accept him if he were gay. The couple met with their bishop who urged Steve to rid himself of his homosexuality by going through conversion therapy, a controversial program intended to eliminate homosexual feelings. Steve felt he had no choice.


"I wanted to be accepted by God," he said. "I wanted to be loved. That was everything to me. And so I saw no other route."


So every week Steve joined other Mormon men for group therapy. Most conversion therapy involves different forms of behavior modification, attempting to make people straight by having them act straight. Some programs even teach men about stereotypically "male" activities, such as talking about football and changing motor oil. Steve did not find that his experience with conversion therapy was at all therapeutic.


"I would definitely call it brainwashing," he said. "It was an exercise in humiliation."


There is much skepticism surrounding conversion therapy and whether it's even possible to reverse someone's sexual orientation. Most professional health organizations reject the theories behind conversion therapy, and many have even deemed it a potentially harmful "treatment."


Jack Drescher is a psychiatrist in New York and warns that not only is conversion therapy unlikely to work, it can be very dangerous.


"Patients feel more depressed and anxious when the treatment doesn't work," Drescher said. "They blame themselves. Some people became suicidal."


Are Conversions Successful?


The largest faith-based conversion therapy program in the country is Love in Action, which is located in Memphis, Tenn. Eight years ago "20/20" was invited to meet nine participants in the program who were attempting to purge themselves of what they called "homosexual behaviors."


James Serra, one of those men, says he is one of the program's success stories. Serra stayed in the program for three years, and today he's a counselor at Love in Action.


When asked whether he was a gay man or a straight man, Serra answered, "I'm a man, period. And the way I see it, it's a behavior. Homosexual, heterosexual is a behavior."


While Serra admits he is still attracted to men, he emphasizes that he has not acted on those feelings in eight years. Even though he has yet to have a relationship with a woman, he hopes that one day he will get married and have children.


Wade Richards was Serra's roommate when "20/20" visited Love in Action. As a devout Christian, Richards says he was faced with the difficult call of whether to accept his attraction to men or try to change. Despite the time he spent in conversion therapy, he now lives his life as a gay man.


"I believe that a loving God would not have someone go through such a struggle," said Richards.


Big Bucks on Sexuality Conversion


The faith-based movement to convert people's sexuality is a lucrative industry. Last spring the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family hosted a conference called "Love Won Out" at a megachurch in Nebraska. Parents were encouraged to bring their children to the conference so they could learn the church's take on homosexuality.


In addition to the $60 entrance fee, attendees could purchase books and videos, including a book by John Paulk, former chairman of Exodus International, a network with more than 11,000 affiliated ministries. Claiming to be "ex-gay" for more than a decade and happily married to a woman, Paulk was considered a poster child for conversion therapy.


Then in 2001, "20/20" reported that Paulk was photographed coming out of a gay bar in Washington, D.C. He is still married, but stepped down from Exodus. His book about his own conversion from homosexuality is still being sold.


Like many of the attendees at the "Love Won Out" conference, Steve and Jennifer had hoped that conversion therapy would be effective. After Steve went through a Mormon therapy program, Jennifer made the tough call to stay in the marriage. They subsequently had two more children, but all along, Steve felt painfully trapped.


"There wasn't a 15-minute segment of any day that went by that I did not feel terrible inside my head," Steve said.


After 16 years of marriage, Steve admitted to Jennifer that he had been having a long-term affair with another married man. The couple has now been divorced for four years, and Jennifer has written a book called "My Ex Is Having Sex With Rex."


Jennifer says, in retrospect, one of her biggest regrets in life was to believe that her husband's sexuality could be changed by conversion therapy. She wishes churches would embrace anyone and everyone, but doubts that will ever be a reality.


"In a utopian world, the churches would open their arms and accept everybody in the world for who they are," she said, "but I don't believe that's going to happen."


Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures







Sunday, November 14, 2010

"Don't ask, don't tell."

A few months ago, I was asked if my son and I would be willing to sit on a panel to discuss the "Statement of Principles..."
At first both of us agreed, but after some discussion over the Chagim, we concluded that perhaps it would not be a good idea to sit on a panel in our own city. We questioned whether any good would come of it or would people attend just to see the gay guy and his father. So we politely declined.

The panel discussion was held today. On the panel was Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot, the driving force behind the Statement, and Rabbi Barry Freundel, who wrote "Homosexuality and Judaism" in the Journal of Halakha and Contemporary Society in 1986.

Rabbi Helfgot opened the discussion with a narrative of how The Statement came to fruition, how it began as a response to the YU symposium held last December and how it took six months for it to be published after it was vetted by a large amount of Rabbis, health professionals, halakhists, jurists. He explained that some people who were involved in the development of The Statement were unable to lend their name to it for political or social reasons.

Rabbi Freundel followed with a discussion that began with his claim that just about everything that was covered in The Statement has been previously been published either by him in 1986 or in subsequent essays over the years by the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA). He told us that his essay, "Homosexuality and Judaism" was used by the Pentagon during the Clinton administration to formulate its policy of "Don't ask, don't tell." He said that he would have no problem if a gay person had an aliyah in his shul, so long as he did not openly announce his homosexuality. He likened homosexuality to kashruth and shabbat observance and made a comparison to circumcisions which were frowned upon during Hellenistic times. He also claimed that in jurisdictions where gay marriage is legal, there is less of an issue.

After the speakers completed their talks, the floor was opened to questions. The first person to speak was asked to come up to the mike by Rabbi Freundel. This man, who claimed to be a psycho-therapist, claimed that he has cured numerous young men through reparative therapy. The next person to speak was the head of Mizrachi, an eighty-something man who said that something had to be done to stop gay people from influencing young people to become gay.

Prior to walking into this discussion, my wife and some friends had "advised" me not to speak. After these two people finished their so-called questions, I asked to speak. I stated that I did not have a question but I wanted to comment on some of the points which were raised.

I began by reminding the audience and the panelists that The Statement was a direct result of the symposium which was held at YU last December. I reminded them that the title of the symposium was "On Being Gay in the Modern Orthodox World" and as such they have to bear in mind that these young men want to be part of the Orthodox world. I made 4 points........

1. Legalized gay marriage is not an issue to these young men. They are not interested in a civil marriage just as heterosexual men and women who are modern Othrodox don't run off to Las Vegas for a civil marriage.

2. I stated that kashruth is a choice, Shabbat is a choice, milah is a choice but sexuality is not a choice.

3. In terms of reparative therapy, I stated that I have first hand knowledge of young men who have tried reparative therapy and instead of becoming a heterosexual had tried suicide. I commented that any life lost as a result of reparative therapy is one life too many.

4. Finally, my response to the head of Mizrachi was that these young men who want a place in the Modern Orthodox world are not cast members of Glee. Their goal is not to convert little boys to homosexuality.

I must say, this was an emotionally trying day. After the panel discussion, we broke for lunch and we sat with Rabbi Freundel during lunch. We had an open and frank discussion out of the public eye. I would much rather have a discussion with someone like Rabbi Freundel, who represents the establishment and who is clear and articulate in his opinion, than the rabbi of the shul where I used to attend, who signed The Statement but refused my son as an eyd.

Prior to today's panel discussion I spent the last two days with Rabbi Helfgot because he was a scholar in residence at my shul. We had lots of opportunity to discuss the symposium, the statement and my son's role in the Jewish community.

As the day drew to a close, the organizer came to me and said that it was a good idea that my son and I were not the main panelists in light of what came from the audience.

L'chaim Mr. Clinton.

Be well.

SD

Thursday, October 21, 2010

"The thing was very bad in Abraham's eyes." - Parashat Va-yera

It has been three years since I began this blog.

Over the last few weeks, we have been following the narrative in the Torah of Avraham, the"father" of the Jewish people. On a strictly literal level he made some pretty serious errors that resulted in a change to his family.

Picture this..................

Abraham and his wife are on a vacation, the king takes one look at Abraham's wife, and Abraham is out the door. "Her? Na, she's my sister. No problem. I'll just pick her up in the morning."

or, even better ...........


Wordlessly, Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael away. They find themselves stranded in the wilderness without water. Hagar tosses her son under a bush, because she cannot stand to see his death. Blinded by tears, she does not see a water source, until a messenger of God tells her to lift her eyes, and look. And this seeing closes the story, with Ishmael's life saved and his destiny assured.

And look at how that has turned out for us!


Even Avraham, the father of the Jewish people, had to adjust to the changes that affected his family.


It's been three years since I wrote "A family changed forever." Last night, I met with a couple whose son told them that he is gay. Their rabbi directed them to this blog and as a result of a business trip that brought me to their city, we were able to meet. We spent several hours together.



They are, where we were, three years ago.



This meeting has given me the opportunity to reflect on the last three years and where we are today.


As usual, a meeting like this is highly emotional and wrought with tears. We met in the evening, spent over two hours together, and as usual, I could not get to sleep, having relived the last few years. The sleep I managed to get lasted barely two hours as our discussion kept me from getting a restful sleep.



It's time to do a "cheshbon".



We are in a much better place today than three years ago. My son is doing well. He is actively pursuing his career as well as being a leading advocate for gay rights in the Modern Orthodox world. Our other children are doing fine as well. They are also actively pursuing their careers and moving on with their lives. We have tried to find as many opportunities as we could to bring everyone together as a family and I think we have succeeded at that. We make sure to spend every Pesach and Rosh Hashana together as a family.



Last month our kids made us a 36th wedding anniversary party. They invited friends and family who have been there for us over the years.


It was more than an anniversary party. They were making a statement.


They were exclaiming to the world in a clear and loud voice that we are doing just fine.


Be well.


Saul David

Friday, August 27, 2010

"Onlythegoodieyoung"

This past Shavuot, my son and his friends were sitting around the table, and the discussion turned to their families and the struggles that their parents were facing. They played a game to see which family had more issues. Of course the discussion included being gay in the modern orthodox world, the so-called shidduch crisis, the rapidly growing divorce rate, the economy....you name it.

Then one of his friends told the group that his parents were sitting in a hospital in Los Angeles with his younger brother who was dying of cancer. The friends sat back and declared him the winner.

His brother, Gilad Schwartz, succumbed to his illness. Yesterday, my son and his friends attended his funeral in Baltimore.

Recently, I have been in an email discussion with someone who was having a difficult time dealing with his parents. The parents were having a hard time struggling with the fact that this accomplished young man is gay. I suggested that his parents read the blog that Gilad wrote from his hospital bed.

It is www.onlythegoodieyoung.wordpress.com

May The Almighty comfort Gilad Schwartz's family among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Saul David

Saturday, August 14, 2010

"Gay until proven straight." - Naomi Toby


It's time for a little reality check......thanks to my children!

We were sitting around the Shabbos table with two of our daughters, my eldest daughter who is visiting us from Israel and my youngest child who is home from camp for week before she returns to Stern College.

The topics of discussion were varied and sometimes intense, and very often they center around the "shidduch crisis" and of course, being gay and Orthodox.

It is a sad commentary of our time that so many marriages of young people are dissolving after a relatively short period of time.

Being a single-minded person, I made a comment that maybe some of these marriages are dissolving because one of the partners are gay (since I now view everything through "gay lenses").

It was at this point that my youngest daughter looked at me and said that I paint everything with the same "gay" brush.

She then stated that my motto should be "Gay until proven straight."

Be well.

Saul David

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"A camel is a horse designed by committee." Vogue Magazine, July 1958

Once again, I must commend those rabbis and health professionals who signed the Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community.



I do not want to minimize the risk they have taken by signing this document. I want to wish them Hakarat HaTov for all their efforts.



However I do have problems with various aspects of the Statement. I mentioned these problems in my previous postings and I will repeat them again, hopefully for the last time.



I have a problem with the fact that it took six months after the symposium to issue this Statement, while those opposed to the symposium issued their attacks within days.



And I have a problem with some of the content, as you can read on my previous posting.



I fully recognize that this was a group effort and as such, it took so long to produce and to reach a consensus. It was, like the proverbial camel, a Statement designed by committee.



But I am just a committee of one, so I have taken up the task of offering a revised statement, written by a parent of a child who is gay. I have a vested interest and I am probably much closer to the issue than any of the signatories may care to admit.



This is a serious effort on my part and I am writing this with no malice intended. I have used some parts of the Statement because the authors have expressed themselves so much better than I could have.



You be the judge..................



1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.



2. We accept the decision of the American Psychiatric Association in its declassification of homosexuality as a mental disorder. Therefore we concur that homosexuality cannot be treated and cured.



3. We categorically reject any efforts by any organization claiming to have the ability to change a person from a homosexual to a heterosexual, especially since these so-called therapies have not been proven to be effective in the least and may have been the cause of suicides at most. Any loss of life as a result of these efforts is one life too many to sacrifice.



4. We recognize that since Creation, man has always desired a mate, and as such, and in spite of the halakhic prohibitions, same-sex relations will occur. We have been witness in the last few years to families with parents of the same sex raising children. In spite of the halakhic implication, we would urge these parents to raise their children, to the best of their ability, in a Torah observant manner.

5. We encourage all Jews to fulfill the obligation of praying b'tzibbur, and as such we ask that synagogues and institutions make all Jews welcome, regardless of their sexual orientation. We encourage all Jews to strive for a Torah observant life and so, we encourage homosexuals who grew up in an observant home, or who are trying to become more observant, in spite of the perceived obstacles, to continue in their efforts to live life as a Torah observant Jew. We would ask all synagogues and minyanim to accord everyone the same rights and honors, regardless. There have been too many situations, over the last few years, where persons have been accorded the highest honors and rights, only to have been found guilty of any number of wrongdoings.

6. Humankind was created "in the image of G-d". We are not worthy to question why Hashem created people in a certain way. We must always remember that everyone is a unique creation and everyone should be treated as hashem would want them to be treated.

Be well.

Saul David





Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"The ignorance, neglect, or contempt of the rights of man are the sole cause of public calamities..."The Declaration of the Rights of Man" 1789.

While I commend the rabbis who signed the Statement for doing so, the more I read the statement, the more I have problems with it.

Bear in mind that my perspective is as a parent of a child who is gay.

Allow me to break it down.......

We, the undersigned Orthodox rabbis, rashei yeshiva, ramim, Jewish educators and communal leaders affirm the following principles with regard to the place of Jews with a homosexual orientation in our community:

1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarrassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.

This is a fine preamble along the lines of the Declaration of Independence and The Declaration of the Rights of Man, both composed in the late 1700s. It is always good to begin a statement in broad, glowing terms.

2. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect.

I question why this had to be inserted at all, but it becomes more clear a few points later on.

3. Halakhah sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression. The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle.

With this point, the rabbis are making it clear exactly where they stand.

4. Halakhic Judaism views all male and female same-sex sexual interactions as prohibited. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to this prohibition. While halakha categorizes various homosexual acts with different degrees of severity and opprobrium, including toeivah, this does not in any way imply that lesser acts are permitted. But it is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them. (We do not here address the issue of hirhurei aveirah, a halakhic category that goes beyond mere feelings and applies to all forms of sexuality and requires precise halakhic definition.)

Once again the question of whether or not sexual orientation is genetic is raised again.

Back in January, NoPeanuts made the following comment:


The thing that these Rosh Yeshivahs, particularly Twersky keep talking about is that the issues surrounding homosexuality, particularly its origins and transitionality are an ongoing debate in the medical community, very much up in the air.

I have never heard this from a certified healthcare professional.

5. Whatever the origin or cause of homosexual orientation, many individuals believe that for most people this orientation cannot be changed. Others believe that for most people it is a matter of free will. Similarly, while some mental health professionals and rabbis in the community strongly believe in the efficacy of “change therapies”, most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients.

We affirm the religious right of those with a homosexual orientation to reject
therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous.

Again, the issue is raised. But this time there is a discussion of the "efficacy" of "change therapies". In spite of the affirmation that homosexuals have a "right" to reject "therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous". This is not an unequivocal statement. This affirmation does not recognize the declaration made by the American Psychiatric Association that reparative therapy does not work.

There seems to be "a reasonable doubt" casting a shadow over this statement. There is a disproportionate amount of discussion around genetic causes and choice.

6. Jews with a homosexual orientation who live in the Orthodox community confront serious emotional, communal and psychological challenges that cause them and their families great pain and suffering. For example, homosexual orientation may greatly increase the risk of suicide among teenagers in our community. Rabbis and communities need to be sensitive and empathetic to that reality. Rabbis and mental health professionals must provide responsible and ethical assistance to congregants and clients dealing with those human challenges.

Thank you for that.

7. Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden.

Again, thank you for this point.

8. Accordingly, Jews with homosexual orientations or same sex-attractions should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community. As appropriate with regard to gender and lineage, they should participate and count ritually, be eligible for ritual synagogue honors, and generally be treated in the same fashion and under the same halakhic and hashkafic framework as any other member of the synagogue they join. Conversely, they must accept and fulfill all the responsibilities of such membership, including those generated by communal norms or broad Jewish principles that go beyond formal halakhah.

We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members
who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner.
Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with
regard to membership for open violators of halakha.
Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively.

I can live with this point.

9. Halakha articulates very exacting criteria and standards of eligibility for particular religious offices, such as officially appointed cantor during the year or baal tefillah on the High Holidays. Among the most important of those criteria is that the entire congregation must be fully comfortable with having that person serve as its representative. This legitimately prevents even the most admirable individuals, who are otherwise perfectly fit halakhically, from serving in those roles. It is the responsibility of the lay and rabbinic leadership in each individual community to determine eligibility for those offices in line with those principles, the importance of maintaining communal harmony, and the unique context of its community culture.

It goes without saying that any baal tefillah should live up to a high standard. However, there is a political reality to every organization and this usually manifests itself in that any minority, including a sexual minority, will more often than not, not find a place there.

10. Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of “all or nothing” was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages.

The "all or nothing" attitude does not stem from the homosexual but it comes as a result of his or her rejection from the Orthodox Jewish community.

11. Halakhic Judaism cannot give its blessing and imprimatur to Jewish religious
same-sex commitment ceremonies and weddings, and halakhic values proscribe individuals and communities from encouraging practices that grant religious legitimacy to gay marriage and couplehood. But communities should display sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting, and we encourage parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections.

This sounds like the statement is advocating celibacy and a life without intimacy.

12. Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender, as
this can lead to great tragedy, unrequited love, shame, dishonesty and ruined
lives. They should be directed to contribute to Jewish and general society in
other meaningful ways. Any such person who is planning to marry someone of
the opposite gender is halakhically and ethically required to fully inform their
potential spouse of their sexual orientation.

This is the one case where a person should be "outed" to protect the other party.

To sum up, in spite of their best efforts, this statement is lacking.

At first glance, I liked the statement and I was glad it was written, but after a second reading, I had issues with it. It loses its lustre and it does not go far enough. Had it been written as soon as possible after the symposium and after the nasty remarks by the Rabbeim, then it would have had more of a meaning and more of an impact.

By the third reading it seems apologetic and uncertain.

It is clear that they have not come to terms with the fact that homosexuality is not a choice.

More to come....

Be well.

Saul David







Monday, July 26, 2010

Dairy Equipment and the Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community

While I commend those rabbis who have finally taken a stand by signing this Statement of Principles, the Statement reminds me of the kashruth label that has been added to packages over the last several years with the symbol "DE", signifying dairy equipment. Does this label on the package mean that the product is dairy? Or is it pareve? Can I eat it with meat? How long must I wait?

It leaves more questions unanswered and it doesn't really address the issue fully, completely and unequivocally.

It's not quite pareve, but neither is it milchig or fleishig.

In spite of the issue, it should be relatively easy for the rabbis to tackle. According to my son and his friends at JQYouth, all they want is to be included and recognized as members of Clal Yisroel, without bias or discrimination.

This should have been an easy issue to address, yet it took six months to publish and it involved hundreds of emails to reach a consensus.

I wouldn't be proud of such a feat. It took the rashei yeshiva of YU less than 24 hours to make a statement condemning the symposium and it took Rabbi Twerski less than a week to appear on YouTube after the symposium. But it took 6 months for these rabbis to respond!

What we got was a label that expressed its kashruth, but it remains muddy and unclear.

Too little and too late.

It is quite clear how Rabbi Twerski holds.

I'm really not so sure about the signatories.

Be well and keep on supporting your children. We're the only ones they can truly trust.

Saul David

Sunday, July 25, 2010

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Sir Isaac Newton

It has been exactly six months since four brave young men spoke at Yeshiva University "On Being Gay in the Modern Orthodox World." Within a day after that event the Rashei Yeshiva of YU came out (no pun intended) and vilified the school and the speakers for holding this symposium. A few days later, Rabbi Twersky spoke in an even more disturbing manner about the symposium.

Six months later, apparently after months and months of discussion and and hundreds of pages of shared emails, a group of rabbis have issued a statement relating to the issue of homosexuality in the Orthodox world.

What follows is their statement.

I reserve judgment and comments on this for a later date.

Be well.

SD

Thursday, July 22, 2010

For the last six months a number of Orthodox rabbis and educators have been preparing a statement of principles on the place of our brothers and sisters in our community who have a homosexual orientation.

The original draft was prepared by Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot. It was then commented upon by and revised based on the input from dozens of talmidei chachamim, educators, communal rabbis, mental health professionals and a number of individuals in our community who are homosexual in orientation.

Significant revisions were made based upon the input of Rabbi Aryeh Klapper and Rabbi Yitzchak Blau who were intimately involved in the process of editing and improving the document during the last three months.

The statement below is a consensus document arrived at after hundreds of hours of discussion,debate and editing. At the bottom, is the initial cohort of signators.

If you are an Orthodox rabbi, educator, or mental health professional and would like to add your signature to the current list, please send a short e-mail to:
statementnya@hotmail.com with your name, address, cell phone number, and professional affiliation.




Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a
Homosexual Orientation in Our Community

We, the undersigned Orthodox rabbis, rashei yeshiva, ramim, Jewish educators and communal leaders affirm the following principles with regard to the place of Jews with a homosexual orientation in our community:

1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarrassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.

2. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect.

3. Halakhah sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression. The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle.

4. Halakhic Judaism views all male and female same-sex sexual interactions as prohibited. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to this prohibition. While halakha categorizes various homosexual acts with different degrees of severity and opprobrium, including toeivah, this does not in any way imply that lesser acts are permitted. But it is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them. (We do not here address the issue of hirhurei aveirah, a halakhic category that goes beyond mere feelings and applies to all forms of sexuality and requires precise halakhic definition.)

5. Whatever the origin or cause of homosexual orientation, many individuals believe that for most people this orientation cannot be changed. Others believe that for most people it is a matter of free will. Similarly, while some mental health professionals and rabbis in the community strongly believe in the efficacy of “change therapies”, most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients.

We affirm the religious right of those with a homosexual orientation to reject
therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous.

6. Jews with a homosexual orientation who live in the Orthodox community confront serious emotional, communal and psychological challenges that cause them and their families great pain and suffering. For example, homosexual orientation may greatly increase the risk of suicide among teenagers in our community. Rabbis and communities need to be sensitive and empathetic to that reality. Rabbis and mental health professionals must provide responsible and ethical assistance to congregants and clients dealing with those human challenges.

7. Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden.

8. Accordingly, Jews with homosexual orientations or same sex-attractions should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community. As appropriate with regard to gender and lineage, they should participate and count ritually, be eligible for ritual synagogue honors, and generally be treated in the same fashion and under the same halakhic and hashkafic framework as any other member of the synagogue they join. Conversely, they must accept and fulfill all the responsibilities of such membership, including those generated by communal norms or broad Jewish principles that go beyond formal halakhah.

We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members
who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner.
Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with
regard to membership for open violators of halakha.
Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively.


9. Halakha articulates very exacting criteria and standards of eligibility for particular religious offices, such as officially appointed cantor during the year or baal tefillah on the High Holidays. Among the most important of those criteria is that the entire congregation must be fully comfortable with having that person serve as its representative. This legitimately prevents even the most admirable individuals, who are otherwise perfectly fit halakhically, from serving in those roles. It is the responsibility of the lay and rabbinic leadership in each individual community to determine eligibility for those offices in line with those principles, the importance of maintaining communal harmony, and the unique context of its community culture.

10. Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of “all or nothing” was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages.

11. Halakhic Judaism cannot give its blessing and imprimatur to Jewish religious
same-sex commitment ceremonies and weddings, and halakhic values proscribe individuals and communities from encouraging practices that grant religious legitimacy to gay marriage and couplehood. But communities should display sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting, and we encourage parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections.

12. Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender, as
this can lead to great tragedy, unrequited love, shame, dishonesty and ruined
lives. They should be directed to contribute to Jewish and general society in
other meaningful ways. Any such person who is planning to marry someone of
the opposite gender is halakhically and ethically required to fully inform their
potential spouse of their sexual orientation.


We hope and pray that by sharing these thoughts we will help the Orthodox
community to fully live out its commitment to the principles and values of
Torah and Halakha as practiced and cherished by the children of Abraham, who
our sages teach us are recognized by the qualities of being rahamanim
(merciful), bayshanim (modest), and gomelei hasadim
engaging in acts of loving-kindness).



(as of 7/25/10)
Rabbi Yosef Adler
Rabbi Joshua Amaru
Rabbi Elisha Anscelovits
Rabbi Hayyim Angel
Rabbi Marc Angel
Rabbi Maurice Appelbaum
Mrs. Nechama Goldman Barash
Rabbi Avi Baumol
Rabbi Benjamin Berger
Rabbi Dr. Shalom Berger
Rabbi Dr. Joshua Berman
Rabbi Todd Berman
Rabbi Yonah Berman
Dr. David Bernstein
Rabbi David Bigman
Rabbi Yitzchak Blau
Rabbi Nasanayl Braun
Dr. Erica Brown
Rabbi Yuval Cherlow
Dr. Aubie Diamond
Ms. Yael Diamond
Rabbi Mark Dratch
Rabbi Ira Ebbin
Rabbi Rafi Eis
Mrs. Atara Eis
Mrts. Elan Sober Elzufon
Rabbi Yitzhak Etshalom
Rabbi Dr. Shaul (Seth) Farber
Ms. Rachel Feingold
Rabbi Yoel Finkelman
Rabbi Jeffrey Fox
Rabbi Aaron Frank
Rabbi Aharon Frazier
Rabbi Avidan Freedman
Rabbi Shmuel Goldin
Rabbi Mark Gottlieb
Rabbi Barry Gelman
Rabbi Uri Goldstein
Rabbi Benjamin Greenberg
Rabbi Zvi Grumet
Rabbi Alan Haber
Dr. Aviad Hacohen
Rabbi Tully Harcsztark
Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot
Rabbi Josh Hess
Dr. Daniel Kahn
Rabbi Yosef Kanefsky
Rabbi Jay Kellman
Rabbi Aryeh Klapper
Mrs. Judy Klitsner
Rabbi Shmuel Klitsner
Rabbi Jeff Kobrin
Dr. Aaron Koller
Rabbi Barry Kornblau
Dr. Meesh Hammer Kossoy
Rabbi Binny Krauss
Mrs. Esther Krauss
Rabbi Dr. Benny Lau
Rabbi Zvi Leshem
Rabbi Daniel Levitt
Rabbi Norman Linzer
Rabbi Dr. Martin Lockshin
Rabbi Dr. Haskel Lookstein
Rabbi Asher Lopatin
Rabbi Chaim Marder
Rabbi Joshua Maroof
Rabbi Dr. Adam Mintz
Rabbi Jonathan Morgenstern
Rabbi Dr. Yaacov Nagen (Genack)
Mrs. C.B. Neugroschl
Rabbi Yossi Pollak
Dr. Caroline Pyser
Rabbi Daniel Reifman
Rabbi Avi Robinson
Rabbi Chaim Sacknovitz
Rabbi Noam Shapiro
Rabbi Yehuda Seif
Rabbi Murray Schaum
Rabbi Hanan Schlesinger
Rabbi Adam Schier
Ms. Lisa Schlaff
Rabbi Yehuda Septimus
Rabbi Yair Silverman
Rabbi Jeremy Stavitsky
Rabbi Adam Starr
Rabbi Chaim Strauchler
Rabbi Yehuda Sussman
Rabbi Joel Tessler
Rabbi Mordechai Torczyner
Rabbi Jacob Traub
Rabbi Zach Truboff
Mrs. Dara Unterberg
Rabbi Michael Unterberg
Rabbi Dr. Avie Walfish
Dr. Dina Weiner
Rabbi Ezra Weiner
Ms. Sara Weinerman
Rabbi David Wolkenfeld
Rabbi Elie Weinstock
Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz
Rabbi Alan Yuter
Rabbi Josh Yuter
Dr. Yael Ziegler
Rabbi Dr. Stuart Zweiter

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"Your son loves you enough to have shared with you who he is."

It's been quite a while since I have written. In my last post from March, I wrote about attending a book reading by K. David Brody as he launched his book "Mourning and Celebration".

A little background....David Brody contacted me after I had written to his rabbi in Montreal. His Rabbi, Adam Scheier, was one of the rabbis who responded to my email. He passed this blog onto the author, who in turn contacted me.

Here is his letter to me. I hope he doesn't mind that I am publishing it, but it is so warm and from the heart, that I feel compelled to share it with you.

Enjoy the book.

All the best.

Saul David


Dear Saul David:


First, I want to say that my heart goes out to you and parents in your situation. I’ll just say the words that come straight into my mind: what a “chillul Hashem” that, because of a variant in human nature, parents should feel ashamed of the life they have brought into this world. The circumstances are so much akin to anti-Semitism – unreasonable hate for what we are, not for what we do – and the “rationalization” is that which caused the Holocaust. After all, homosexuals were in the camps with the Jews.


I am now a senior citizen (hate that phrase – I feel only 14), but I am so glad that I resisted the temptation to “come out” to my parents when I was a teenager. At that time, with their best intentions in mind, I would probably have been subjected to shock therapy, which would have ruined my life.


Today, I am not “proud” to be gay, I just am. In my teenage years, I vowed that if I could ever help other young people to avoid the anguish I suffered, merely because I was gay, I would do so. My book is part of that effort. From a young man terrified of discovery, I am now telling total strangers that I am a gay Orthodox Jew, and earning respect for it. Unbelievable! I also lead a very fulfilling life.


I want to share my “credentials” with you: in my childhood, my father, z”l, was a shochet, a part-time chazan and the principal of an after-school Jewish academy in London, UK. I now live in Montreal, and my rabbi, Rabbi Adam Scheier of Shaar Hashomayim, a man wise beyond his years, passed me your blog, which I read entirely on Friday afternoon. I had planned to write to you today, regardless of your e-mail to me.


I don’t know where you are located, but if you are also in Montreal, on the evening of Tuesday, February 23, I plan to give a talk at Shaar Hashomayim on Growing Up Orthodox and Gay, part of their Tuesday evening lecture series. If you can attend, I would like very much to meet you. You can even still call yourself “Saul David”!


My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please do not be disappointed in your son. He loves you enough to have shared with you who he is. It’s a different world today. Had I been born ten or twenty years later, for sure I would have even had children of my own. And we are so lucky to be living in Canada.


I hope your son is receiving the support he needs from you, and that you will share my book with him.


My website address is
www.mourningandcelebration.com


Kol tuv,


David

Be well.


Saul David

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"We have met the enemy......and he is us" - Walt Kelly



"Remember...after you left Egypt - how, undeterred by fear of God, he surprised you on the march, when you were famished and weary, and cut down all the stragglers in your rear."

A few weeks after the YU symposium I tried an experiment. I sent emails to about 20 rabbis across North America. Those who I heard were somewhat Modern Orthodox or who may have had a specific interest in gay issues. In the title bar I wrote "On being gay in the modern Orthodox world - this may be of interest to you and your congregants."

I received a response from three rabbis. Two of them were from Montreal and the other was from St. Louis. The rest were silent.

The rabbi from St. Louis asked me if I was receiving responses as a result of the symposium and how my son was faring. (He doesn't know me or my son.) One rabbi from Montreal asked me if I am ever in that city and if so, he would like to meet me and discuss the issue of being gay in the modern Orthodox world. The other rabbi passed my name onto a gentleman who recently wrote a book about growing up gay in an Orthodox home and invited me to his shul to hear the man speak.

I subsequently received a very nice email from the author telling me that he read the blog and that I "should not judge my son too harshly." He also invited me to hear him speak at his book launch.

Isn't it interesting that from all the emails I sent out, to Los Angeles, New York/New Jersey area, St. Louis, Montreal, Toronto and Boston, I only heard from 3 rabbis of 2 communities. I believe that the communities of Montreal and St. Louis are similar in that they are not heavily divided along religious lines. They share the need to stand together.

I scheduled a business meeting in Montreal to coincide with the book launch. After the evening's event, the Rabbi, the Rebbitizin, the author and I went out for a nice, long cup of coffee. It was a pleasure to meet and talk so openly. I also met with the other rabbi as well. We had a lovely discussion.

What a shame that other rabbis could not be so open, welcoming and so forthcoming.

Maybe there is hope for us after all.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. After I finish reading the book I will tell you the name and author.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye" - Miss Piggy


Did you ever hear the joke about..............

One Friday morning a woman meekly knocks on the door to her rabbi's study. In her hand is a bowl of freshly made chopped liver. The rabbi is busy learning, and not wanting to disturb him she places the bowl of chopped liver (which happens to be garnished with crackers) on the rabbi's desk, and stands patiently until the rabbi is ready to speak to her.

Being totally absorbed in his studies, the rabbi gets a whiff of the chopped liver and begins to dip the crackers into the liver. Before long he finishes eating the whole bowl of chopped liver along with the crackers. He finally notices his guest and asks her what she wants.

The woman is barely able to speak to the rabbi. When she musters up the courage she says, "Rabbi, I came to ask you if the chopped liver which I prepared in my kitchen is kosher?"

The rabbi looks at the empty bowl, looks up at the woman, looks at the empty bowl again...and dusting the crumbs off his beard announces "It's kosher!"

Not funny!

I am quite angry, having heard that gay men are being refused as "eidim" because they are deemed to be "not kosher" witnesses. This was mentioned at the YU symposium and my son admitted the same thing to me.

For it seems that the label "kosher" may very well be in the eye of the beholder.

Follow this thread...........

My wife was applying to the local Vaad Hakashruth for a hechsher for her store. To meet the criteria one must get a letter from the rabbi of an Orthodox shul attesting to the fact that the owner of the store is Shomer Shabbos and attends an Orthodox shul. She got the hechsher.

Lately, we have been attending a minyan once a month that is egalitarian. Some women leyn and some daven.

I would doubt if the people in charge of the Vaad Hakashruth would consider this to be a "kosher" minyan, or even an "orthodox" minyan. Furthermore, I wonder what the Orthodox establishment would call the rabbi who has sanctioned and is leading this minyan.

Do you think he would be refused as an "eyd" because of his non-kosher activities?

I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder.

By the way.....this is the same rabbi who disqualified my son as an "eyd".

Be well.

Saul David

Friday, January 8, 2010

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" - Howard Beale

Since the symposium, "On Being Gay in the Orthodox World" at Yeshiva University, I have been struggling, to be honest. People have been writing me, asking what my thoughts are, and last week I wrote that I would not step into the fray until the dust settles.

Then I read a letter posted by "a father" whose son came out to him after the symposium. I will copy and paste the letter at the end of this posting.

So here goes........

I am not going to get involved in all the discussions that have been going on as to the halakhic issues, what's right and what's wrong, why do they have to talk about it, why do they have to make this public, abominations, etc. I have been through all that before and I have written about it over the last two years.

But having read the letter from this "father" who is new to this struggle, I have decided to get back to basics, back to what this blog started out as.....simply a forum for parents to discuss what they are going through, how they feel and how to cope and best serve their children. I began this blog as a starting point for all of us to help each other "navigate these uncharted waters".

So back to basics.

When I first read the transcript and saw the video of the symposium, I fell into a deep depression. Watching these young men tell their heart-wrenching story brought back all of the raw feelings I went through two years ago. The day after the symposium, my wife and I went to Florida, but all wounds were re-opened and we spent the best part of the next seven days talking about our son. We did not socialize with anyone. We kept pretty much to ourselves.

It has been hard to shake this feeling.

I received an email this week from a psychiatrist in New York who has counselled gay people. She asked me how I was doing, in light of the symposium, and I relayed a story to her that was told to me by a middle-aged man who we met at a PFLAG meeting. We met this man in our second meeting with PFLAG with everything fresh in our minds. My wife asked him if and when it ever gets easier. He responded to her "each time you tell someone that you are gay, it's like coming out over and over and over again."

So to answer those people who have asked what my reaction is to the YU symposium. This is my reaction. It is as if my son has come out over again. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. And I am in pain.

I am sad for my son. Even though he is doing fine, this was not his choice and he should not have to be struggling like these young men.

I am angry at the hypocrisy. After the symposium, my son told me that he too was not allowed to be an "Eyd" at a wedding because he was not deemed to be "kosher".

I am hurt because the people who should understand are just not there.

And I am in pain, just because.

I have chosen not to comment on the specifics of the issue because I think that people like "dovbear" are doing a great job. What more is there to say about the issue.

The fact is that these young men and women were created a certain way and they have chosen to try to continue to live their lives in an Orthodox, Torah-True way. Isn't it ironic that their choice is to choose the most difficult path, to be accepted by those who refuse to accept them.

We are all created in ways that pose challenges to us. We all have problems that were not of our choosing. I have a friend who lost her baby on the delivery table. I have another friend whose baby boy died when he was a month old. I have a freind who lost her child to Tay-Sachs at two years old. I have a friend who son was born with a severe disability. The list goes on and on. We have all been faced with heart-breaking situations which were not our choice.

When my son was at his worst and lowest state, in a terrible depression and suffering from physical ailments as well...we were afraid that he may have had leukemia, I told a friend that I would rather he be gay then lose him to a terrible disease.

So let's get this blog back to basics. It began as a forum for parents whose children are gay. Let's all help each other.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. Here is the letter........


Dear Saul David,

Thank you so much for your blog - our son told us about two weeks ago, at the same time as it became relevant for us. One way I have dealt with the news is by composing the open letter attached below.

A father
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“A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” That well-worn line occurred to me as I reflected on the debate over the Wurzweiler panel on gays and Orthodoxy.
Any honest discussion of this issue must start with a basic truth: being gay is not something that people choose. This is both a scientific fact and an intuitively true statement. As a friend of mine put it, why would a person raised in an Orthodox Jewish community, who desperately wants to remain an Orthodox Jew, choose a sexual orientation that threatens to ostracize him from that community and that risks a life of loneliness and despair? Unfortunately, it is clear from the statements made by the Roshei Yeshiva following the Wurzweiler panel that they do not accept this basic truth. This refusal is evidenced by their use of such phrases as “those who profess homosexuality” and by comparisons of gays to shoplifters who need to control their urge to steal. It would be bad enough if this refusal to see the obvious merely dishonored our obligation to seek truth and justice and disgraced the Torah. The actual harm is far worse than this, though: it causes deep mental – and, in some cases, life-threatening – anguish for untold numbers of Orthodox Jews and drives thousands away from a community whose embrace as human beings and fellow Jews they yearn for.
The same Torah that condemns mishkav zachar tells us “mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – abhor falsehood – and to love our fellow Jew. And when Hillel was asked to summarize the Torah while the heathen was standing on one foot, he chose a variant of the last, not the first, of those statements as our faith’s fundamental principle: “What is hateful to you, do not do unto others.”
Which brings us back to our opening line: “A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” When – not if, because it is inevitable – one of those Roshei Yeshiva learns that a talmid muvhak or a close family member is gay, he will have been mugged by reality. And we will then be able to say that “a tolerant Rosh Yeshiva is an intolerant one who’s been mugged by reality” – we will then have a Rosh Yeshiva who will realize, with pellucid clarity, that sexual orientation is not a choice. He will then understand – and hopefully help others to understand – that, when given a choice between violating “mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – denying the undeniable – and keeping “ve’ohavta le’rei’acha kamocha” – loving your fellow Jew as yourself – the latter is to be loudly proclaimed as preferable to the former.
We welcome discussion of the issues – the halachic, hashkafic, and social ones – as long as the discussion is based on the unflinching truth: the truth of life which is, ultimately, the truth of Torah.

January 7, 2010 10:30 PM