"Old situations, new complications...something happened on the way..."

A funny thing happened a few days ago.

We were visiting my son this week. As he and I were standing in line in a restaurant on 33rd Street, waiting to pay for some take-out, I was asking him some questions about his relationships and those of his friends.

I then asked "are Moishie and Berl dating?"

Being a little hard of hearing, I may have spoken a bit too loud.

The gentleman in front of us turned around, and with a look of utter astonishment looked us up and down, and left the line shaking his head.

I burst out laughing. This was my first experience.

"Something appealing, something appalling, something for everyone: a comedy tonight."

Be well.

Saul David

"The Awesome, Who shows no favor and takes no bribe, but upholds the cause of the fatherless and the widow and befriends the stranger..." Devarim10:17

In yesterday's d'var Torah, our rabbi spoke about the importance of all of us accepting all of klal yisroel and the rest of the world. It would be the utmost act of piety.

At the kiddush, I went over to the rabbi and told him how much I liked what he said.

Then I told him that I have an issue that I would like to discuss with him.

I stated that when a Palestinian storms a yeshiva and kills young men, we say tehillim and kel maaleh rachamim and hold rallies all over the city.

When a Charedi storms a youth center which happens to be a refuge for gay kids, not a word is spoken in synagogue, not a prayer is made for the wounded or killed, no kel maaleh rachamim is chanted, no tehillim are read.

His response to me was that he was on vacation last weekend without an internet connection so he did not hear anything about it.

I said that his response saddens me even more because if it was deemed a terrorist attack then even without an internet connection, he would have heard the news.

Shame.

SD

"There was a shooting in Tel Aviv, but I wasn't there OR How I was almost outed by my mother"

Last Saturday night there was a shooting in a gay drop in center in Tel Aviv.

My son is currently in Israel and he sent his family a short email stating that he is ok and he was not in Tel Aviv during the shooting.

Shabbat ended late. We had to get up very early the next morning to catch a plane to attend a family simcha and all we received was this quick and cryptic note on my blackberry as we were sitting on board the plane.

We weren't aware what had transpired in Tel Aviv.

Later on, as we were sitting at a table with my in-laws and my wife's siblings, all of whom don't know that our son is gay (or so we think), my wife asked if anyone heard what happened in Israel because "we received an email from our son that he wasn't there and he is ok."

My brother-in-law said that there was a shooting at a gay bar in Tel Aviv and everyone looked at us with an expression of "why would he be at a gay bar in Tel Aviv?"

Ooops.

Be well

SD

"Halakhic lines may have been blurred, but not crossed."

And we're back.

It has been several months since I have posted to my blog. I apologize. Allow me to explain.

Firstly, I have been too busy to write because of the economy. I've been working long days and I have not had the time to devote to this important endeavor.

Secondly, and more significantly, I have not written lately because our lives have become more normal as we have all adjusted.

Frankly, I have been unwilling to write for fear of boring my readers.

So here is an update as to what has been going on.

The last time I wrote about my family was during Sukkoth. Since then, we spent two family vacations together. We spent winter vacation in Florida and for Pesach, we were all together in our home. During both "family" times, everyone, the parents and the siblings were calm and quite content. We had many discussions around the table ranging from family issues, politics, to halkha.
We laughed, we cried. We went through the whole range of emotions.

All is not as it should be, but we are moving forward, strong in the knowledge that our children are making adjustments in their lives.

A few things for us to ponder.............

My son approached us while we were in Florida with the proposition that since we would probably not be making him a large wedding, would we be amenable to the idea of helping him pay for a surrogate birth. He wants to have a family. My wife responded to him that just as she would be there to help our daughters after they give birth to their children she hopes to be able to do the same for him after he brings his baby home.

So, we are moving forward, hoping for the best.

We still face painful days, but we get through them. Recently, someone came into my wife's shop and told her that everyone in our community now knows that our son is gay.

So he is out.

This person continued the conversation by telling my wife what a wonderful person our son is and that she understands what we are going through because her brother is gay. The unfortunate thing is that he could never adjust to his reality and has lived a life hidden and depressed.

Not for us.

Be well.

SD

PS. The quote? There is a scandal in our community and it centers around our rabbi. The same person who told us that people should not judge our son. The quote is what he said to the congregation.

"I am the courageous voice that has spoken for a group that lives isolated and in hiding."

A friend of mine sent me the following article. He thought I might find it interesting.

I did find it interesting, but also quite painful to read.

It is anonymously written by a gay student at Yeshiva University. It articulates the struggle he is facing. As a parent of a gay child, it is an important article to read, to gain an understanding of the trials our children face and the loneliness our children feel, on a daily basis.

SD

A Burning Fire and a River of Tears: One Day in My Shoes

By: Anonymous

Posted: 2/6/09

Editor’s note: This article was submitted anonymously to protect the student’s identity and allow him to discuss the topic openly.

I wake up to a buzzing alarm clock signaling the arrival of another day and head out to daven. I concentrate as hard as I can and ask Hashem for help to face another day. I am the typical YU student. I go to morning seder, lunch, shiur, and then my secular classes. I am still the typical YU student. I sit down for supper, go to night seder, and then to Ma’ariv. Am I really the typical YU student? I spend my nights studying for the next day of classes; I work hard for my grades, but still find some time to spend with my friends. But as I get ready to put my head down for the night, exhausted from a trying day, I know that I am not the typical YU student; Hashem has given me the challenge of challenges, a challenge that leaves me muffling my cries on a tear-stained pillow as I slowly fall asleep.

Each of us has a challenge in the world, a roadblock on the highway of life that challenges us to become the best we can be. We are given these tests to help shape our character and to become masters of our desires, whatever they are. Whether the test is keeping Shabbat or learning afternoon seder between classes, we are all given a test in life. My own challenge keeps me up at night, preoccupies my thoughts during the day, and leaves me feeling like I am walking down a somber road in a lonely world: I am a religious Jew, living in the observant Jewish world, faced with the challenge of being a homosexual.

The Torah in two places[i] tells us that the act of homosexuality is an abomination, and under no circumstance is one to perform this act, even when faced with death as the only alternative. This is because the act of homosexuality is likened to that of bestiality and adultery and is looked upon in the most severe of manners. There is little reference otherwise to homosexuality in the Torah and Talmud, although at the end of Masechet Kiddushin[ii] we are told that two men are prohibited from sleeping under the same blanket for fear of possible homosexual relations taking place. The Gemara there, however, states that this ruling no longer applies, as such acts were practically unheard-of during that era. Little other halachic information is available from these early sources on this topic, although some stories are related in the Gemara and several biblical Midrashim.

Before homosexuality started to become an acceptable alternative lifestyle in modern society, as is so visibly flaunted today, the idea of permitting homosexuality within Judaism was unheard-of. Despite the fact that homosexuality is clearly labeled by the Torah as an abomination, some people have, within the last several years, started making arguments to try to find loopholes for its permissibility. Homosexuality is labeled by the Torah as an abomination and there are no infallible arguments against it. “How can Hashem expect us to live our lives as celibates, as two consenting adults we should be allowed to live our lives the way we want in order to find true happiness” is often an argument put forth to the Jewish community. ““Love,” , “fulfillment,” “exploitative,” “meaningful”- the list itself sounds like a lexicon of emotionally charged terms drawn at random from the disparate sources of both Christian and psychologically-oriented agnostic circles?[iii] wrote Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm in the nineteen seventies, and went in depth to prove that these arguments would permit any sexual relationships in today’s society, removing all sexual morality from today’s society.

As a religious Jew, I have always put Torah values at the center of my beliefs. Never would I dream of trying to say that homosexuality is permissible; I know that there is something intrinsically wrong with such an act. That is certainly not to say, however, that it is not a challenge for me. Attraction, whether to a man or to a woman, is not something that one can control. The fact that I have certain desires – which I would purge from my life in a second if I had the ability – is something that I cannot change. They leave me with feelings of solitude, despair, depression, and, alas, excitement.

Am I an abomination? Does Hashem look at me with disgust and loathing, as I feel so many people would if my struggle be known, as so many people do look at “open” religious Jewish homosexuals today? When one looks closely, the verse in Vayikra labels the homosexual act as an abomination – but only the act. The perpetrators are people, people who are challenged and who do not know how to control their desires – desires that so many of them pray they never had. British Chief Rabbi Sir Jonathan Sacks explains clearly that the Torah “does not condemn homosexual disposition, because the Torah does not speak about what we are, but what we do.”[iv]

However, within the Orthodox Jewish context, few people recognize this. While many today have corrupted general society, leaving it with the notion that once someone is gay, then they will eventually “come out” and live that “alternative lifestyle,” this is impossible for an Orthodox Jew to accept. As such, I have hidden throughout my lifetime – today I do and in high school I did. I hid in fear that I would be ostracized and excommunicated from the Jewish community. I stood alone as a frightened fifteen-year-old boy, not trying to discretely act on my desires, yet also unable to call out and ask for help to rid myself of them. I stood frightened and didn’t know where to turn. I always wanted to find a wife and raise a family as an Orthodox man. I did not know how I would ever be able to do that, but I knew, and still know, that that is the life I am destined to live. I knew that one day I would need to tell someone about my feelings, step out from my hidden world of shadows, and ask for help.

It took me five years to gain the courage to reach that petrifying moment. After many months of praying and introspecting, I eventually reached the point not where I wanted to tell someone, but where I was prepared to do so. That moment had been the most horrifying and dreaded thought in my mind for so many years. I had prepared for the worst possible outcome, no doubt because of Hollywood’s portrayal of the heroic homosexual being shunned by a once-loving family. I readied myself to be thrown away by a towering figure pointing out in the distance with anger and fury on his face – to watch my life disintegrate before my eyes, collapsing like a building whose structure finally gave out after years of pressure like, a house of cards falling from the force of a gust of wind. But through all this I never faltered in my determination to live a life committed to Judaism. I told myself that it did not matter what happened in my life and how anyone reacted; I was raised a frum Jew, which is my true life and real identity, and no matter what anyone said or did to me, nothing could weaken who I was.

I was not sure how my rebbe from yeshiva in Israel would react. I just expected to be sent home from the yeshivah in shame, looked upon like I was some sexual deviant. I told myself in my heart, however, that no matter how anyone reacted – even if I was told to leave my yeshivah and thrown out of my house – I was never going to act upon my desires, nor was I ever going to turn away from G-d I thank Hashem every day for the strengths He has given me. I thank Him for the rebbe He sent me, who, instead of rejecting me, stood by my side, helping me though the most awful time of my life . I thank Him for the stamina He gave me to fight a depression that nearly led me to commit suicide.

My path is unclear and even though I still stand alone, I stand armed with the will to live another day and fight to keep my beliefs alive. No matter the support I get, I stand on trial every day of my life. I do not know where my future will lead, nor how I can change my feelings. I live with a sense of frustration, knowing the goal I want to reach but lacking the tools to arrive there. What must I do to be able to marry a woman? What must I share with my future partner? How can I even bring myself to tell her this hidden secret? I do not know if it is fair to ask someone to live with me under these conditions, or whether I will truly be able to be happy in such a relationship. All I know is that I want to one day make marriage to a woman work – to love her and have her love me back. I want to watch her walk down to the chuppah in the most beautiful wedding dress, with tears of happiness and joy in her eyes, as I know there will be in mine. I know that I want to stand with her supporting her through the hard times that we will go through, and be there for her always. I see this vision in my future, but I have so many questions that have no answers.

I know that I have a goal that I hold onto every day, but I live trying to cope with an everlasting sense of guilt, even though I understand that these feelings are not my fault and that this is the way my life was divinely ordained to progress. I have read through so many different experimental ideas about the root of homosexual attractions. But to me, that is all they are – ideas, possibilities that I do not think can really help in ridding me of my challenge. In fact, I do not think that I will ever be able to fully rid myself of these feelings, even when I marry and raise a family. Such knowledge is endlessly frustrating. I know where my path will lead, but I do not know how to get there. I see hope at the end of the road, but the path to it is covered by a screen of smoke and fog.

And I still live in fear. I have told a handful of people about my challenge. The results have sometimes been incredibly painful. I have had to pull away from people I had once called friends because of pain and embarrassment. I have been forced to sever relationships with close friends because of their lack of understanding and because of the hurt and confusion I have caused them. I watch my friends begin to date and to marry and question what my future holds. Will I find someone to share my life with? Will I ever really be completely happy with my decision? Am I destined to live a life alone? I want to tell my friends, to cry out to them, but I know I cannot. I know that the path that has been laid before me is one of solitude.

Rabbi Dr. Lamm once wrote that “Judaism allows for no compromise in its abhorrence of sodomy, but encourages both compassion and efforts at rehabilitation.”[v] I have told you my story and have given you a glimpse at my challenge. I do not ask you to cry with me or accept me; I only ask you to realize that I am out there. Realize that not everyone who is challenged with homosexuality is parading and protesting for equal rights. I beg you to realize this, realize that I, too, am a frum Jew, trying to live a frum life like everyone else. I stand with you in the elevators of Belfer, Furst, Muss, Morg, and Rubin. I eat lunch at your table and sit with you in class; you call me a friend. And I am not one person; I am the courageous voice that has spoken for a group that lives isolated and in hiding.

The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot 2:5 tells us to never judge someone before one has walked in his shoes. I have let you see a peek of the trial I will face for the rest of my life, and ask that you do not judge me; I ask you to understand me. I stand next to you, even if you will never know my identity and my challenge. There is a fire within me, which will always burn within me, urging me to fight and complete my destiny, which I must hide from the world. I stand next to you, even if you will never know my identity and my challenge. Many tears have flown from my heavy eyes and there will be many more. One day in my shoe, a trial that will last a lifetime.

---

[i] Vayikra 18:22 and 20:13

[ii] Kiddushin, 82a

[iii] Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm, “Judaism and the Modern Attitude to Homosexuality,” in Jewish Bioethics, ed. Fred Rosner and J. David Bleich (New York: Sanhedrin Press, 1979), 209

[iv] Forward to ‘Judaism and Homosexuality’ by Rabbi Chaim Rapoport, ix

[v] Lamm, 217.

---

© Copyright 2009 The Commentator

"Oy vey, my son is gay!"

I apologize to anyone who has been following this blog.

I have not written anything for quite a while.

No excuses. But it's time to start writing again.

So let's begin with a little humor. Take a look at this movie trailer. My son sent it to me last night.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. If the link doesn't work go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J84NoBwOCWU

"They don't think of emotional attraction or social interaction or spiritual connectedness or deep-rooted psychological feelings."

The following is an article summarizing a study which was published last week in PEDIATRICS, the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatric Medicine. It was forwarded to me by Dr. Naomi Mark.

Study: Family behavior key to health of gay youth

By LISA LEFF

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Young gay people whose parents or guardians responded negatively when they revealed their sexual orientation were more likely to attempt suicide, experience severe depression and use drugs than those whose families accepted the news, according to a new study.

The way in which parents or guardians respond to a youth's sexual orientation profoundly influences the child's mental health as an adult, say researchers at San Francisco State University, whose findings appear in Monday's journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

"Parents love their children and want the best for them," said lead researcher Caitlin Ryan, a social worker who directs the university's Family Acceptance Project. "Now that we have measured all these behaviors, we can see that some of them put youth at extremely high risk and others are wellness-promoting."

Among other findings, the study showed that teens who experienced negative feedback were more than eight times as likely to have attempted suicide, nearly six times as vulnerable to severe depression and more than three times at risk of drug use.

More significantly, Ryan said, ongoing work at San Francisco State suggests that parents who take even baby steps to respond with equanimity instead of rejection can dramatically improve a gay youth's mental health outlook.

One of the most startling findings was that being forbidden to associate with gay peers was as damaging as being physically beaten or verbally abused by their parents in terms of negative feedback, Ryan said.

In the two-part study, Ryan and her colleagues first interviewed 53 families with gay teenagers to identify 106 specific behaviors that could be considered "accepting" or "rejecting." For example, blaming a youth for being bullied at school, shielding him from other relatives or belittling her appearance for not conforming to social expectations fell into the rejecting category.

Next, they surveyed 224 white and Latino gay people between ages 21 and 25 to see which of the behaviors they had experienced growing up. The responses then were matched against the participants' recent histories of severe depression, suicide attempts, substance abuse and unsafe sexual behavior.

While the results might seem intuitive, Ryan said the study, funded by the California Endowment, was the first to establish a link between health problems in gay youths and their home environments.

She has used the information in workshops with parents and other caregivers who have strained relationships with their gay teenagers, and said many were alarmed enough to make immediate changes in their interactions.

Ryan recalled a teenage girl whose mother forced her to date a boy and sent her to live with her grandmother when she learned her daughter was a lesbian. After hearing about the connection between parental attitudes and suicide, the mother stopped arranging the dates with the boy and instead inquired about her daughter's girlfriend.

"She was really concerned," Ryan said. "She saw that her daughter had become increasingly withdrawn and that she was contributing to these feelings of isolation and sadness."

In her paper for the journal Pediatrics, Ryan recommends that medical professionals ask young patients how their families have reacted to their sexual orientations and tell parents that negative reactions may prove harmful even if well-intentioned.

Such conversations are necessary because young people have been coming out at younger ages. Consistent with other studies, the youths in Ryan's study were on average under 11 years old when they first experienced a same-sex attraction, were just over 14 when they realized they were gay and came out to their families before they had turned 16.

Doctors, in a misguided attempt to comfort parents, may tell them a child who isn't sexually active couldn't know if he were gay or not, Ryan said.

"When providers and adults and family members think of gay people, they think of sex. They don't think of emotional attraction or social interaction or spiritual connectedness or deep-rooted psychological feelings," she said.

Sten Vermund, a Vanderbilt University pediatrician who became interested in Ryan's work this summer when she presented her research at the international AIDS conference in Mexico City, agrees that doctors should be encouraged to talk with parents about responding to a child's sexual orientation in a supportive way.

"So many families of children who are gay, bisexual or transgender, particularly families of gay male youth, think that if they are tough on the kid and tell him how unsatisfactory his gay lifestyle is to the family, he will have it knocked out of him," Vermund said.

Vermund said he also was impressed by Ryan's finding that a little bit of familial acceptance could go a long way in increasing a child's chances for future happiness.

"The Southern Baptist doesn't have to become a Unitarian," he said. "Someone can still be uncomfortable with their child's sexual orientation, but if they are somewhat more accepting and do the best the can, they will do the youth a lot of good. That to me is an important message."

Something for all us parents to consider.

Saul David

On the Net:

• The Family Acceptance Project,: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/