"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye" - Miss Piggy

Did you ever hear the joke about..............

One Friday morning a woman meekly knocks on the door to her rabbi's study. In her hand is a bowl of freshly made chopped liver. The rabbi is busy learning, and not wanting to disturb him she places the bowl of chopped liver (which happens to be garnished with crackers) on the rabbi's desk, and stands patiently until the rabbi is ready to speak to her.

Being totally absorbed in his studies, the rabbi gets a whiff of the chopped liver and begins to dip the crackers into the liver. Before long he finishes eating the whole bowl of chopped liver along with the crackers. He finally notices his guest and asks her what she wants.

The woman is barely able to speak to the rabbi. When she musters up the courage she says, "Rabbi, I came to ask you if the chopped liver which I prepared in my kitchen is kosher?"

The rabbi looks at the empty bowl, looks up at the woman, looks at the empty bowl again...and dusting the crumbs off his beard announces "It's kosher!"

Not funny!

I am quite angry, having heard that gay men are being refused as "eidim" because they are deemed to be "not kosher" witnesses. This was mentioned at the YU symposium and my son admitted the same thing to me.

For it seems that the label "kosher" may very well be in the eye of the beholder.

Follow this thread...........

My wife was applying to the local Vaad Hakashruth for a hechsher for her store. To meet the criteria one must get a letter from the rabbi of an Orthodox shul attesting to the fact that the owner of the store is Shomer Shabbos and attends an Orthodox shul. She got the hechsher.

Lately, we have been attending a minyan once a month that is egalitarian. Some women leyn and some daven.

I would doubt if the people in charge of the Vaad Hakashruth would consider this to be a "kosher" minyan, or even an "orthodox" minyan. Furthermore, I wonder what the Orthodox establishment would call the rabbi who has sanctioned and is leading this minyan.

Do you think he would be refused as an "eyd" because of his non-kosher activities?

I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder.

By the way.....this is the same rabbi who disqualified my son as an "eyd".

Be well.

Saul David

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" - Howard Beale

Since the symposium, "On Being Gay in the Orthodox World" at Yeshiva University, I have been struggling, to be honest. People have been writing me, asking what my thoughts are, and last week I wrote that I would not step into the fray until the dust settles.

Then I read a letter posted by "a father" whose son came out to him after the symposium. I will copy and paste the letter at the end of this posting.

So here goes........

I am not going to get involved in all the discussions that have been going on as to the halakhic issues, what's right and what's wrong, why do they have to talk about it, why do they have to make this public, abominations, etc. I have been through all that before and I have written about it over the last two years.

But having read the letter from this "father" who is new to this struggle, I have decided to get back to basics, back to what this blog started out as.....simply a forum for parents to discuss what they are going through, how they feel and how to cope and best serve their children. I began this blog as a starting point for all of us to help each other "navigate these uncharted waters".

So back to basics.

When I first read the transcript and saw the video of the symposium, I fell into a deep depression. Watching these young men tell their heart-wrenching story brought back all of the raw feelings I went through two years ago. The day after the symposium, my wife and I went to Florida, but all wounds were re-opened and we spent the best part of the next seven days talking about our son. We did not socialize with anyone. We kept pretty much to ourselves.

It has been hard to shake this feeling.

I received an email this week from a psychiatrist in New York who has counselled gay people. She asked me how I was doing, in light of the symposium, and I relayed a story to her that was told to me by a middle-aged man who we met at a PFLAG meeting. We met this man in our second meeting with PFLAG with everything fresh in our minds. My wife asked him if and when it ever gets easier. He responded to her "each time you tell someone that you are gay, it's like coming out over and over and over again."

So to answer those people who have asked what my reaction is to the YU symposium. This is my reaction. It is as if my son has come out over again. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. And I am in pain.

I am sad for my son. Even though he is doing fine, this was not his choice and he should not have to be struggling like these young men.

I am angry at the hypocrisy. After the symposium, my son told me that he too was not allowed to be an "Eyd" at a wedding because he was not deemed to be "kosher".

I am hurt because the people who should understand are just not there.

And I am in pain, just because.

I have chosen not to comment on the specifics of the issue because I think that people like "dovbear" are doing a great job. What more is there to say about the issue.

The fact is that these young men and women were created a certain way and they have chosen to try to continue to live their lives in an Orthodox, Torah-True way. Isn't it ironic that their choice is to choose the most difficult path, to be accepted by those who refuse to accept them.

We are all created in ways that pose challenges to us. We all have problems that were not of our choosing. I have a friend who lost her baby on the delivery table. I have another friend whose baby boy died when he was a month old. I have a freind who lost her child to Tay-Sachs at two years old. I have a friend who son was born with a severe disability. The list goes on and on. We have all been faced with heart-breaking situations which were not our choice.

When my son was at his worst and lowest state, in a terrible depression and suffering from physical ailments as well...we were afraid that he may have had leukemia, I told a friend that I would rather he be gay then lose him to a terrible disease.

So let's get this blog back to basics. It began as a forum for parents whose children are gay. Let's all help each other.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. Here is the letter........


Dear Saul David,

Thank you so much for your blog - our son told us about two weeks ago, at the same time as it became relevant for us. One way I have dealt with the news is by composing the open letter attached below.

A father
--------------------
“A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” That well-worn line occurred to me as I reflected on the debate over the Wurzweiler panel on gays and Orthodoxy.
Any honest discussion of this issue must start with a basic truth: being gay is not something that people choose. This is both a scientific fact and an intuitively true statement. As a friend of mine put it, why would a person raised in an Orthodox Jewish community, who desperately wants to remain an Orthodox Jew, choose a sexual orientation that threatens to ostracize him from that community and that risks a life of loneliness and despair? Unfortunately, it is clear from the statements made by the Roshei Yeshiva following the Wurzweiler panel that they do not accept this basic truth. This refusal is evidenced by their use of such phrases as “those who profess homosexuality” and by comparisons of gays to shoplifters who need to control their urge to steal. It would be bad enough if this refusal to see the obvious merely dishonored our obligation to seek truth and justice and disgraced the Torah. The actual harm is far worse than this, though: it causes deep mental – and, in some cases, life-threatening – anguish for untold numbers of Orthodox Jews and drives thousands away from a community whose embrace as human beings and fellow Jews they yearn for.
The same Torah that condemns mishkav zachar tells us “mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – abhor falsehood – and to love our fellow Jew. And when Hillel was asked to summarize the Torah while the heathen was standing on one foot, he chose a variant of the last, not the first, of those statements as our faith’s fundamental principle: “What is hateful to you, do not do unto others.”
Which brings us back to our opening line: “A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” When – not if, because it is inevitable – one of those Roshei Yeshiva learns that a talmid muvhak or a close family member is gay, he will have been mugged by reality. And we will then be able to say that “a tolerant Rosh Yeshiva is an intolerant one who’s been mugged by reality” – we will then have a Rosh Yeshiva who will realize, with pellucid clarity, that sexual orientation is not a choice. He will then understand – and hopefully help others to understand – that, when given a choice between violating “mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – denying the undeniable – and keeping “ve’ohavta le’rei’acha kamocha” – loving your fellow Jew as yourself – the latter is to be loudly proclaimed as preferable to the former.
We welcome discussion of the issues – the halachic, hashkafic, and social ones – as long as the discussion is based on the unflinching truth: the truth of life which is, ultimately, the truth of Torah.

January 7, 2010 10:30 PM

"Yadati beni Yadati - I know, my son, I know" - Breishit (Genesis) 48:19

Why did Jacob have to repeat the words "I know" and what does this have to do with being a parent of a gay child?

By blessing the younger child first, Jacob is about to teach future generations a valuable lesson. On one level he is teaching that one's actions and character matter more than birth order in achieving success and one's blessings in life. Jacob's first "Yadati" comes from his firsthand knowledge and experience that life does not necessarily play out the way we want it to.

Jacob's second "Yadati" is a form of prophecy as to what is ahead for his family and the nation as a whole. As we complete the reading of the Book of Breishit, the saga moves from the individual to the family and onto the national. What Jacob is foreseeing is a period of hardship, slavery and affliction, but with an ultimate redemption.

I have been asked what my opinion is on what has been going on at YU over the last two weeks. I have watched the video and I have read the transcripts. I have met some of those young men who spoke that eventful evening. I wrote Rabbi Blau and President Joel thanking them for their courage for allowing this event to take place. I watched the video of Rabbi Twersky and I have been reading the comments posted on some of the relevant blogs.

I would like to wait for some of the dust to settle before getting into the fray.

Heed these five words from this week's pasha. "I know, my son, I know"

To these young men who stood before the world and bared their souls and life experiences. You "know" that life did not turn out the way it was supposed to and you "know" that you can expect a life of hardship and affliction. My hope is that you will be redeemed at some point.

To the so-called "experts" who think they know....learn something from Yaakov. He blessed the younger child first. Yaakov was sending a message that one's actions and character are more deserving of a blessing than any perceived meritocracy.

Be well.

Saul David

"Hello, Is There Anybody In There, Just Nod If You Can Hear Me..." Pink Floyd

When I began to write this blog, I responded to the comments.

Then I was told by some people that it is improper etiquette to do so.
So I stopped responding to the comments.

But lately I have been reading other blogs and I have noticed that some bloggers respond to comments.

I actually think it is a good thing to respond to comments. It shows that I am reading what my readers have to say. And it creates a dialogue. I didn't start writing this just to be heard. I started to write so that maybe I can make a difference.

So from now on, I will try my best to respond to comments. Obviously, not every comment would need a response.

Let's just play it be ear and see how it goes.

Thank you.

Be well.

SD

"Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants." Justice Louis D. Brandeis

"Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants, electric light the most efficient policeman," was a quote by Supreme Court Justice, Louis D. Brandeis referring to the benefits of openness and transparency. And this week, the Orthodox Jewish community was bathed in its own sunlight.

On Tuesday night, December 22nd, Yeshiva University and The Wurzweiler School of Social Work hosted a symposium titled "Being Gay in the Orthodox World." It was the largest turnout which the school of Social Work ever had. Some estimates were as high as 800, with many more clamoring to get into the hall.

The event itself was important. It proves that Yeshiva University is truly an institute of higher learning in that it has allowed controversial issues to be made public and debated in a calm and respectful manner. The institution deserves a tremendous amount of credit and respect for its courage.

But there is something greater than the event itself. It took a tremendous amount of courage for those four young men to stand before the entire world and tell their story. In spite of the fact that Rabbi Blau, the symposium's moderator, asked that the event not be recorded or transcribed, within 24 hours, there was a written transcript and a video of the event.

What a way to be outed!

I have a friend who is a YU grad and a practicing rabbi. I asked him what he thought of the event. This is what he wrote to me....

"The importance of the panel was, it is now, in some form, publically acknowledged there are gays at YU and other places and at least in that forum, they want people to know their struggle. It was gutsy to go public for the panelists and Rabbi Blau. All they asked for was the recognition of the struggle, and that they want to be part of and certainly, practice in, the Orthodox community. And if their voices open up doors for others, and relieve needless suffering among parents and kids, then something major was accomplished.

It may be hard for the parents, but they do not have to hide. Their children's story have been told.

The challenge is the real anguish people have endured in coming out. I do not know how to balance it, but it's better for everyone to be public and not underground. And make some room for those who love Judaism, are committed to it, and also just want to be respected for who they are and not as pariahs."

We heard about the symposium the day after it took place. A woman came into my wife's store and told her about the event. This woman had never been in the store before, but she had heard from her daughter that our son is gay.

Just before I started drafting this particular post, I emailed my son and asked him what he has heard about the symposium. He said he is receiving emails from people who heard about the symposium and want to know how to deal with telling their parents.

Halakha is not the issue here.

The issue is how to find a place in the community for people who want to be in the community. The fact that my son is being asked how to cope and deal with parents is a sign that these "kids" still want to be "our" kids. They don't want to be pushed away or shunned by their parents. All they want is to be understood and loved.

Brandeis was correct.

Be well.

Saul David

"Come congressmen, senators throughout the land and don't criticize what you don't understand" - Bob Dylan

This past Tuesday evening, at Yeshiva University, a symposium was held entitled "Being Gay in an Orthodox World." It was hosted by The School of Social Work and it was chaired by Rabbi Blau.

I will provide you with two links to the event. One is a link to a blog in which the author, Chana, claims that she has written a transcript of the event. We might not have known whether the transcript was accurate or not. But when you connect to the second link, you will have the opportunity the watch a video of the event.

Before the panelist came on to speak, Rabbi Blau specifically asked that recordings and videos not be taken for fear that snippets be used out of context.

You be the judge.

I will comment some more on this symposium in the near future.

In the meantime....

Be well.

Saul David

Here are the links.........

http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-gay-in-orthodox-world.html

http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-gay-in-orthodox-world.html

"I hope the day comes, and soon, when this is not a story" - Brian Burke

A faithful reader (and hockey fan) to this blog sent me an article that was published in the Toronto Star on November 25, 2009.


SD

A SON'S SECRET. A FATHER'S LOVE.

Brian Burke loves telling stories about his kids, all six of them. Of his son Brendan, he in particular loves telling one from years ago when the boy was just 3 and the family went to Florida.

"So we're on the bus going to get our rental car and Brendan's going from family to family, introducing himself, saying we're from Vancouver and is this their first time in Florida?" Burke recalled Tuesday, laughing at the memory.

"It was like he was running for mayor. But that's him. He's special. People trust him immediately. He has a very sweet side that I envy because I don't have it.

"I just wish every parent could experience having a child like him."

Brendan's now 20, set to turn 21 next month, and the hockey world learned Tuesday that he's gay through a powerful and poignant story published online on ESPN.com, written by writer/broadcaster John Buccigross, a friend of the Burke family.

Burke, the president and general manager of the Maple Leafs and one of the best-known figures in all of hockey, learned of his son's sexual orientation at Christmas 2007. He knew ahead of time that his son, a student at the University of Miami (Ohio) and a student worker on the school's highly regarded hockey team, had spoken to Buccigross and that a story was to be released Tuesday afternoon.

"The feedback has been awesome," Burke said Tuesday, about three hours after the story was first posted. "My emails have been off the charts."

At the same time, however, Burke believes there will be those who won't embrace the family love inherent in his acceptance of his son's orientation or of Brendan's decision to go public with his sexuality. Burke remembered that when he was in California in November to vote in the U.S. presidential election – he voted for Barack Obama – he was aggressively confronted by anti-gay activists protesting a same-sex marriage proposition on the California ballot.

"I told them to (expletive) get lost," said Burke, who also voted for the proposition. "But over the next two weeks, yeah, I expect to get some hate mail over today's story. There is going to be a backlash. All I care about is if Brendan is prepared for it. It takes jam to do what he's done."

Brendan Burke, a former goalie, analyzes video and does stats for the Miami team, currently ranked No. 1 in the NCAA. The team's coach, Enrico Blasi, and the rest of the team first learned of Brendan's secret after the Frozen Four last spring.

"I think having Brendan as part of our program has been a blessing," Blasi told ESPN.com. "We are much more aware of what you say and how you say it."

Brendan isn't sure of his future plans, but seeing as how his older brother, Patrick, is a scout for the Philadelphia Flyers, a career in hockey is certainly an option. That said, there are no openly gay individuals working in hockey operations in any of the major pro or amateur leagues.

"Honestly, as a father, I can say I would rather it was some other kid blazing this trail," said Brian Burke, himself one of 10 children. "But only because of the negativism that may come of it. I support Brendan completely.

"But I guess I wish maybe he was second."

In the ESPN.com piece, Brendan Burke indicated he quit high school hockey because of what he perceived to be overt homophobia in the dressing room. He said the support of not only his family but also of Miami's hockey organization made his decision to come out easier.

"Imagine if I was in the opposite situation, with a family that wouldn't accept me, working for a sports team where I knew I couldn't come out because I'd be fired or ostracized," Brendan Burke told ESPN.com.

"People in that situation deserve to know that they can feel safe, that sports isn't all homophobic and that there are plenty of people in sports who accept people for who they are."

His father understands that because of his reputation as a hard-nosed, black-and-blue executive who extols the virtues of fighting in hockey, this story will ring even more powerfully to many parents and families.

"I've got six kids, I drive a truck, I own a shotgun and I chew tobacco, so sure, this adds a different dimension," he said. "This isn't about me and it isn't about the GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's about a young man who has done something that takes a lot of courage.

"But if my acceptance can turn into more acceptance on the part of other people, that's great."

Part of that acceptance was calling his son and inviting him to come to Toronto to experience this year's Gay Pride Parade.

"A few people recognized me and said hello," said Burke. "I would have marched in it if I'd known more about it. I'll march next year if I'm asked."

All to demonstrate a father's love of a son who no longer has to live a secret.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Saul David